Sunday, September 25, 2016

Before I Go

  • Before I go and not post for another 45 days... 
  • About motherhood: I'm a very nervous mother. I don't really like leaving my apartment. If we must leave, the children are reinforced with pants, jackets, hats, mosquito nets. I don't want bugs, weather, people's grimy hands or even disgusting New York air touching them. I'm working on this with my therapist. At some point, I'm going to have to venture out with them. But I don't have a car. My neighborhood isn't exactly the upper east side. There's nothing for a 5 month old baby to do. AND I don't like talking to people and answering their dumb ass questions about how my children were conceived. I just want to hug and kiss them in the privacy of my own home. 
  • About being a working mom: It's great and it's horrible. With twins, going to work is like an 8-hour break. Weekends are when I don't get a break. So when everyone else comes back on Monday refreshed, I come back pooped. I feel like I'm not giving my all at work because I really do have to leave at 5 and I can't log back in, in the evening. Have you ever tried to create a PPT deck with two babies sucking on your tits? No? Ok then, don't expect me to. Then when I am late getting home, I feel like crap. (I left my pumped milk in the work fridge one day and another day I had to stop at the home depot to get a kneeling mat for the girls' bath). AND my babies recognize that I'm not home. When I darken the doorstep, they are SCREAMING for me. There's no rest for me. 
  • Taking care of myself: I've started to listen to podcasts on the way to and from work. This is the only time of the day that I get to decompress. Even when I'm sleep I have to be on in case a baby cries or needs a midnight feeding. As far as podcasts I like: funny, storytelling, pop culture, light hearted, money/personal finance related and sometimes marketing things. I don't want to hear anything about how to change or fix the world. I don't want to hear anything about systems or structures of injustice. I don't want to hear politics. I want to laugh, which so few people in NYC are doing on any commute. I get stares for laughing aloud or smiling on the train, but I don't care. 
  • Joy is screaming. Bye.

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