Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Motherhood Feels Like

The girls made three months yesterday!

Side note: I'm not a fan of the word indescribable or the phrase "words can't describe." Perhaps it would make more sense to say words can't evoke the feeling I'm feeling. I happen to think words can describe a lot more than we think.

Anywho.

Motherhood. It is such a new and different feeling than I've ever felt before. I love my babies, but it's not like I love my mother or how I love a romantic partner. It's that intense, but it doesn't feel that way.

It's like I have an organ, two organs are living outside of my body. So when that organ is happy and healthy, I am happy and healthy. And when that organ is in pain or sad, I am in pain or sad. It feels like the cutting of the umbilical cord was symbolic and not physical.

When Lahna was in the hospital, I had to get a visitor's pass to get on the pediatric floor. I found this to be so strange emotionally, because I FELT like "I" was in that hospital bed. I'm like how do I need a visitor's pass to go see myself.

When I am away from them, I long for them, to get back to them, to hug and kiss them and lay with them. It's sort of how I used to long for my bed after a hard day at work. It's not passionate like a lover's longing. And it's not a familial feeling like being homesick and wanting to hug my siblings. It's this entirely new feeling of wanting to be around people I've never met, who can't talk back to me, who can't do anything for me.

It's certainly unconditional. There's nothing they could do that would take it away from me.

One of the surprising things about my love for my girls is that it's NOT intentional. It's not willful. When I'm in a relationship my love is intentional. I'm thinking about ways to express my love and listen to the love language of my partner. When I think about family and friends, my love is intentional, ensuring that I spend enough time with them or reach out to see how they're doing.

My love for my babies isn't like that. It's not something I have to think about or work at, it just is.

And I know the English language limits us with the word love. I know the greek language has four different words for love and I can hear Baptist teachings saying my love for my girls is Agape love, unconditional, like the love of Jesus Christ. But it feels like that AND more.

It's life changing love. It's earth shattering love. If we go with my illustration of organs outside of my body, then I think of my daughters as two organs I grew at 32 years old that now I can't live without. If anything were to happen to either organ it would damage me permanently, deeply, physically and emotionally.

And so now my life, my ENTIRE life, is dedicated to the upkeep of these organs and it doesn't feel as heavy as it did before I had the organs. It feels normal and regular. It feels like it's always been there although it just arrived on April 12th.

I am a mom and my love lives outside of my body now. That's what it feels like to be a mom.

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