Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Lahna's Life Lessons: Living Your Left Breast Life

Hi, My name is Lahna and I am 15 weeks old today. I have some life lessons that I'll be sharing with you grownups on mommy's blog.

Today's lesson: Living your left breast life

Mommy's left breast is a super producer of milk. It gives about 4x more than mommy's right breast. It's the only thing I want in life. Sometimes she gives me the right breast. Sometimes she changes my diaper. Sometimes she lets me play on a floormat, but none of those things are my end goal. I can speak definitively about meeting this goal because EVERY day, 6-8 times a day (depending on how hungry I am), I get the left breast. 

Three tips:

1. Comparison does not lead to happiness - I have a sister named Joy. We were born on the same day, but I'm older by 12 minutes. I think we're supposed to get the same amount of time feasting on the left breast, but I don't know. I can't concern myself with how much milk another person is getting. My main concern remains: is my tummy full, are my cheeks and thighs chunky enough, can I outgrow all these clothes I have after only one wear? Sometimes, in order to get what you want, you need to focus on YOUR food and not the food of others. There's enough milk to go around, so we can all eat.

2. Do it with gusto - Sometimes when I want the left breast, mommy wants me to talk to grandma on Tango. Or watch TV in her lap (don't tell daddy she let me watch TV). Sometimes she just wants to snuggle with me. And that would be ok IF she wasn't in possession of her left breast. So what "I" do is arch my back, scream to the high heavens and try to head butt mommy until she plops out her left breast. Head butting is not about physical pain - I'm really going for the left breast and as baby, my aim is slightly off. But mommy will reward my effort. If I had chosen to just turn my head slightly towards the left breast or whimpered under my breath mommy might not have known I meant business. She might have tried to play a bit longer or accomplish something productive (that's what grownups do all day. Always a to-do list with them. That's too much.). When going after your goal, it's important for you to outline your expectations: loudly, clearly and then put all of your might into reaching your goal. That's how you get what you want!

3. Enjoy your delays - Sometimes I wake up and Joy is on the left breast by herself. Or mommy has to feed us at the same time, so Joy gets the left and I get the right. I suck the life out of the right breast and when there is nothing left, I kick and scratch mommy until Joy is done. Then mommy switches me to the left breast. GOAL ACHIEVED. Now, I could have just refused the right breast. But I CHOSE to get everything that was coming to me, the meager offerings of the right breast included. I'm only going to spend a few more months as a nursing infant, so I want to to enjoy every single moment as I work towards my goal. So if you're in a right breast moment (a delay), it doesn't mean you're being denied. Take some time to enjoy the benefits of a delay, then get right back to the goal. 

Any questions, send them through my servant, her name is Mommy. I'm going to go take my afternoon nap.

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