Monday, June 27, 2016

Traumatized Children

I knew that I would traumatize my kids, but I thought it would be with corny jokes or psychotic episodes and much later in life. I didn't realize that Lahna going to the hospital would change them so much.

She is terrified every time we lay her on a flat surface. She thinks we're going to stick a needed in her to find an IV. They poked my baby more times than I'm willing to admit as a caring mother and still couldn't get an IV in her tiny veins. I had to hold her down while they did it and lie and say things were ok and things were going to be fine. I felt complicit in her torture and I HATED IT!

Then, since I was at the hospital, I couldn't nurse Joy. I had formula at home, which they drink when I'm away, maybe once or twice a week. Joy wouldn't take it. Then at some point I was pumping like crazy to empty my breasts since Lahna couldn't eat and Joy was at home without me. Joy STILL wouldn't take the bottle.

She knew eventually I'd come home. So I'd feed her, put her down to sleep, then sneak back to the hospital with Lahna. When she woke up and me and her dad were gone and it was just grandma, she chilled until we got back. Because she knew we were coming back.

This worked until Monday night when she attacked me like a rabid dog. That's when I knew I needed to come home more no matter what was happening at the hospital. Fortunately, they let us go late Tuesday night, so that routine was over for me.

Now, Joy doesn't want to sleep because she thinks we're going to leave her. Right now, my mom is in the living room with her and I'm in our bedroom and my mom had to come in here and show Joy that I was still here, so that she would stop crying. She saw me and gave me like a brothaman head nod, then stopped crying.

My poor babies. I take solace in the fact that they will not remember this time, but I'm hoping they forget these traumatizing 5 days sooner rather than later.


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