You can read every baby book on the face of the planet, watch every movie, see every St. Jude's commercial and even hear of friend's children who have been sick, but nothing and I mean nothing will prepare you to see a tube in your 10 week old child's nose.
Lahna's in the hospital right now. I'm home, nursing Joy and getting ready to eat dinner. This will be night #4 and hopefully the FINAL night at the hospital.
One day I may tell the whole story, but the long and short of it is she was vomiting, had explosive diarrhea and then her temperature dropped and she lost color in her face. Every time I experience something scary (high risk pregnancy, labor in the operating room, potential blood clots after pregnancy), I think "This is the worst thing ever."
I need to stop thinking in absolutes because nothing in life has been worse than see my child's face turn purple and then having a 10 lb teeny tiny baby being sick and in the hospital.
By now they've ruled out anything that would require surgery, but she's still not well enough for me to nurse her, nor for her to leave the hospital.
The bad / The good
I'm at a public hospital / The hospital I'm at is right across the street from my apartment, so I can run home to shower, nurse Joy, eat, pump breastmilk, sleep, whatever.
I can't be with both babies at the same time / My mom and boyfriend and I make a phenomenal team for the twins in good and bad times. Mom hasn't left Joy's side and bf & I are tag teaming at the hospital.
Lahna's not home yet / Lahna's progressing well.
It's hard to get in touch with her to get the information I need / Her doctors are the head of pediatric ICU and the head of pediatric surgery. When she was in the ER, she was seen by the head of pediatric ER, so I'm convinced she's getting the best care.
I am exhausted. / I'm a twin mom, so exhaustion is par for the course. I'm getting more sleep now than I was their first month of life, so that's a bright side.
The girls have not been together since Friday afternoon / I'm able to get mommy and me time with each twin without worrying that the other will wake up and need something (or that the other will feel neglected)
Joy won't take a bottle of breast milk, nor formula (This sucks so bad and there is no bright side, but for the sake of having a consistent blog post...) / Joy's face lights up every time I come back to the apartment.
The staff at the hospital is used to dealing with difficult dumb people / I'm difficult, but intelligent, so the doctors are excited by my presence and challenged by intellect. Again, I'm convinced that this is resulting in the best possible care for my daughter.
I'm a basket case at time. / I'm human and allowed to feel all the feelings that having a child admitted into the hospital affords. I have not had a nervous breakdown and when I snap on people I haven't used any curse words.
We spent Father's Day in the hospital / The girls and I have gifts for their dad and we'll celebrate Father's Day when the entire family can be together.
I don't have a lot of people in NYC / I have enough people in NYC AND my virtual community is legit. Fam, I've had so many people praying for these babies. I believe in the power of prayer and Lahna is going to be fine.