Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Tea's Guide to Pregnancy Questions

There are 3-10 questions that people ask you when you're pregnant. Since you know how much I love idol conversation with people who aren't close to me, you know this is the true highlight of my pregnancy. It's the reason I've been shouting it from the rooftops to anyone who will listen. (If you didn't catch the sarcasm in that, please go back and read my ENTIRE blog, so you can get to know me a bit better.)

Q1A: How far along are are you?
A1A: XX weeks

Q1B: How many month is that?
A1B: about XX months?

Q1C: [Since no one is here for math] When are you due?
A1C: May 5, but twins are considered full term at 36 weeks, so I plan to deliver in April. (I'm actually due May 3rd, but I have been telling people May 5 and people are SO excited about Cinco de Mayo Gemini babies. It gets the people going man.)

Q2A: Do you know what you're having?
A2A: Twins.

Q2B: OMG! TWINS! HOW EXCITING! Do twins run in your family?
A2B: Yep, my paternal grandfather was a twin and I'm next in line after that. 

Q2C: Do you know the sexes of the babies? (This is what they meant in Q2A and then I had to drop the twin bomb, so they got sidetracked)
A2C before I knew: No, not yet.

This usually shuts down the question/answer portion of the dialogue. Praise ye the Lord... until I found out what I was having.

Q2C: Do you know what you're having?
A2C now that I know: Yes, it's XX (Gotta leave SOME stuff off the blog... and or leave you all guessing for a little while, c'mon now.)

Q3: OMG! That's so exciting. Do you have names picked out?
What I want to say: 
WAIT! STOP! ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? If I do have names picked out, I'm not sharing them with you. At what point did we get so familiar? Is there NOTHING else to talk about. LAWD, didn't Black Lives Matter march somewhere today. Can we PUH-LEASE change the subject. I have already met my small talk quota for the day. Damn. 
What I actually say: 
A3: We have a short list, but we probably won't share until after I give birth. (This is a bold faced lie. I know exactly what my children's names will be. I don't want to say no, because then people will offer suggestions. I don't want to tell people the names because then they will offer feedback and I really don't care what you think about what I'm getting ready to name MY CHILDREN. I don't want to say I know, but I'm not telling you because you'd be surprised what people are offended by when prying into your personal business.)

I think I need to come up with a better key message for Q3. I'm considering saying: "We have a short list, but we likely won't pick until after I give birth." I wonder if that will beg the question "what's the short list?" At which point I STILL have to say "we're not sharing."

Since writing this post, I've thought of another that I'm going to try: "We're going to wait until we see them to decide." I think that may work to shut the questions down. We'll see. 

Q4A: Are you going to move back home to Chicago?
A4A: No, moving and job searching are stressful and I need to focus on resting right now.

Q4B: Are you going to move into a bigger apartment?
A4A: No, I've been watching Ikea videos on transforming small spaces and I think we can make it work.

These next questions are either with someone I really care about who is still talking to me after 5 questions or a client or someone I can't tell to leave me tf alone.

- When is your maternity leave? 16 weeks after I give birth.
- Are you going to go back to work? Yes.
- Is your boyfriend moving in with you? No.
- What are you going to do about childcare? I haven't gotten there yet.
- Who's going to help you? My mom is coming for 3 weeks and then after that I don't know. (This question, is quite possibly the most infuriating because the people who are asking who's going to help me generally OFFER NO HELP WHATSOEVER.)

Please also note that all of these questions have come in the same order and at the same rapid fire succession no matter if I was 4 weeks pregnant or 20 weeks pregnant. Can you imagine being early on in the pregnancy and someone asking you about your housing plans? Ma'am, let me go vomit in peace. 

The only two questions I ever want anyone to ask me about my pregnancy are: How are you feeling? How can I help? which SOME people ask me (and thank you considerate folks for your support), but fewer ask me those two things that matter than mogs asking about my kids names.

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