Saturday, July 11, 2015

Is this Balance?

Forgive me my thoughts are all over the place on this post. Going to attempt to be coherent.

I feel a bit off kilter in life right now, but surprisingly on balance.

Physically, my hair is NOT RIGHT, right now. I cut a bunch of split ends off myself and the shape is just raggedy. I've been doing wash-n-go's since the weather cracked 60 degrees in Pittsburgh, but I'm waiting for it to grow out, so I can get a proper cut and this in between is not my best look.

My face had broken out HORRIBLY when I didn't have a job. My aesthetician said it was stress. Then I'd wear make up to cover up the breakouts, then sleep in it, then breakout more. To the point where I wouldn't go out of the house without a full face of makeup on. If you know me personally, you know that's not my style.

Now that I'm in NYC (and gainfully employed, Praise the Lord!), the "unemployment" stress has gone down, but my job stress has gone up. So my face clears up, then breaks out. It's the most irritating thing in the world because there's not a facewash on the planet that can regulate a stress breakout.

I've been going out without foundation and concealer, but I rarely leave the house without a liner and mascara. That's also a bit disconcerting because when people catch me without it, I get the "oh, you look tired" feedback and that blows. I'm like no, this is my unadulterated regular face and it's still cute. LOL!

ALSO, I weigh more than I've ever weighed. I [think I] look crazy in photos. I have a double chin. I look like the homely friend in every photo with my fabolously gorgeous girlfriends. I don't think I'm unhealthy and I'm not trying to lose weight (there are benefits to a few extra pounds! AYE!), but I also know I'm not the ab-bearing twenty-something I used to be and flowy shirts aren't as sexy as crop tops.

As such, I sometimes have a hard time getting dressed. Nothing quite hits the mark and even though I seem to shop a lot, my looks are falling flat. Couple that with being in New York, when everyone steps out of their house fly. And people are just individuals... Completely self-absorbed. They don't care about the latest trends or styles or whatever. They just wear what they're comfortable in and what they can wear ALL day from event to event.

I have so few ALL day looks in my closet. I have a bbq outfit or a party outfit or a church outfit. I have like three looks that are multifunctional, but I'm working on being more comfortable in my skin, wearing whatever and rocking it because I'm awesome. Like working the look, not letting the look work me. I'm not there yet. Especially not in NYC.

Ok, and the last sort of off-balance thing is that I work a lot and I relax a lot and I don't ACTUALLY mind, but I do have a bit of FOMO. It's a beautiful summer day in NYC and I feel like I'm supposed to be at a park or a brunch or outside, but I'm in my home alternating between napping and doing work. (I'm working on a Saturday because I took Friday off and DIDN'T work. This work isn't going to do itself before Monday.)

So I teeter totter between being ok with things as they are: [hey, you knew moving to NYC was going to pick up the pace professionally and you are older now and like to relax and that's ok] to thinking I need to achieve better work-life balance and take advantage of every possible thing NYC has to offer me VERY FAST/RIGHT NOW (like it's going away or something, lol.)

The weird feeling I'm getting is that even though I acknowledge all of these feelings about not being up to par in so many areas (my weight, my style, my physical appearance and my work) I am still somehow completely happy with myself and other people notice it. The types of people I'm attracting (new girlfriends and bootentials alike) constantly mention my happy vibe and lowkey nature. They say I'm low maintenance (Meanwhile I feel like I'm extremely high maintenance) and say that my spirit is welcoming, inviting, comforting.

Perhaps this is what balance feels like. The acknowledgement that things are not perfect and they never will be and yet, still finding joy in every imperfect moment. And being at peace with my decisions whether they be to sleep for three hours on an errands day or work for six hours on a Saturday.

Thank you for reading my random life observations. 

1 comment:

Ishea said...

Love this post!