Originally written on 2/26/15
My big sister, mighty woman of God, just spoke a word and I burst out in tears. Yes, I burst out in tears a lot, but it always surprises me because I never expect it.
She called to ask how I was doing since I'm unemployed and had a falling out with another family member. She said I had been on her mind and in her prayers because while everyone was so concerned about this other family member, it occurred to her that I'd lost my job and I may not be ok about it. DING! DING! DING!
She asked me about three times how I was doing. That's the number of times you have to ask to get a real answer. First answer, good, how are you. Second answer, I'm ok/fine. Third answer, I have some good days and I have some bad days, which is the true answer. I imagine it takes me so long to get there because "How are you doing?" is such a generic greeting. I'm not sure if people are being polite in order to get to the next order of business or if they really want to hear how I'm doing. I ALSO don't think it's everyone's right to know how I'm doing all the time. Maybe that seems weird, but just because you called or because I'm passing you on the street doesn't mean its time to discuss my innermost fears and desires. I'm not really good with vulnerability. I'm working on it.
None of this is what I sat down to type this blog about. Here's the thing. The last time I was on the phone with my big sis I was SO EXCITED at the prospect of paying my student loans off. And she said, you shouldn't just pay them off. You should tell others how to do the same. She thinks I should start a speaking series or write a book or at least do classes at church or something.
So during this recent conversation, I say, "well, it's a good thing I'm only living on 40% or so of my income because now the money that was going to go to student loans will be going to bills." And my sister says, "The devil saw that you were going to get the demon of debt off of your back and he doesn't like it. That's why you lost your job, but I believe God for you, Esha and you WILL pay your student loans off by the end of 2015."
This is the first time I've heard this Word. Everyone else said things like well, you have plans and God laughs. Or they say the same thing I said, it's a good thing you had a savings or a good thing you lived below your means or whatever.
But it takes a mighty woman of God to tell you that your dreams are valid. That a bump in the road does not mean a stop in your journey. That believing in God takes CRAZY faith (because if I believe I can pay my bills AND pay student loans down based on what unemployment is sending me, I'm nuts.) She told me that I'm about to have everything I wanted. And I think God is testing me to see if I believe him to give it to me.
*In my Pastor Hannah voice* I believe God! I believe God! I believe God!
WHEW! Now, let me go fix my face!