Thursday, May 7, 2015

And I Wonder...

Originally written on 3/2/15


It's 5'oclock in the morning. #NoBiggieLyrics I'm wide awake. I've been up for 90 minutes. I've prayed and balanced my checkbook. I haven't meditated.

When I got up, I thought I would do laundry, clean out the fridge, exercise and practice interview questions until 9 a.m. (I have a very promising phone interview this week.) Then at 9 a.m. I'd apply for a job that someone sent me that's in Chicago. As you may know by now, I don't/didn't want Chicago to be my next move after Pittsburgh, but this organization is too amazing to not apply.

I don't like to apply for jobs outside of business hours because I don't know what time the recruiters get the emails and I don't want to appear desperate. An email at 3 a.m. seems desperate.

I remember when I didn't have a Blackberry, my first smart phone. When my desktop or laptop computer was the only way to check my email. I would send emails at all times of the night and couldn't understand why friends or coworkers would know or care that I was up all night working/thinking. Then after I got a blackberry, I realized that these folks got every notification for an email at the time that it was sent and I was so embarrassed by my late night email trysts.

I thought that I would tackle my to-do list of cleaning and thinking and body sculpting because lying in the bed was just pointless, but now that I'm up all I want to do is go back to sleep. But I don't want to get back in the bed and just lie there for hours, that seems like wasting time. And although I have nothing to do but watch House of Cards and the Good Wife, I'm deathly afraid of wasting even an hour.

I wonder if being unemployed would be easier if I had a trust. If I knew that there was nothing I could do that would make me run out of money, would I be able to sleep in on days like today? I wonder if having less money in my savings account (Right now, I'll be ok for 7 months without working before I run out of money to pay my bills.), would make me a complete insomniac.

I don't think this is insomnia, because I don't have a hard time falling asleep. But I only slept for four hours. I typically require 8-10 hours of sleep. I haven't slept 8-10 hours since I've been off work. With the exception of the one time I had a panic attack, brought on my a call from a recruiter [at a company I really wanted to work for]. I slept a lot that day.

I wonder if this anxiety, this unrest that I have, brought on by uncertainty is a slap in the face of God, who I'm supposed to put my full trust in. Or, if He thought it proper to wake me now, so I could speak to Him before I did anything else. I wonder if sleepless nights are rewarded in heaven or cursed in hell. Lately, I wonder about a lot of things I never considered before.

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