Thursday, June 20, 2013

I Need Caking Advice

It's funny because it's true. Y'all know I'm team #LowkeyCaking, but not really. So my top love languages [paraphrased] are:

1. Spending Time and
2. Touch

I'm currently [read: when I wrote this] dating a guy whose love language is obviously words of affirmation - not at all my speed.

How I feel: If I'm spending time hugged up with you (both of my love languages), you should KNOW that I enjoy spending time with you.

How he feels: I want to hear you say that you enjoy spending time with me.

First, I feel like if I tell him I enjoy spending time with him that I'm the ultimate cake. It's so unnatural to me. It's damn near embarrassing. Second, I feel like if/when I open up and start telling him how I feel (vs. showing him) I might run him away for being so honest. So as a self aware adult, I know that I put up walls when dating to protect myself from heartbreak, but I also know that those walls [unnecessarily] keep other people away.

It's like if I really like you, I will express it by spending more time with you than people who I don't really like, but I'm not going to say "hey, I really like you" because it makes me uncomfortable AND because when you leave [they always leave], then I can feel better about the fact that at least you didn't know I REALLY liked you.

Don't laugh at me. This seems so simple, but like everything in life, this connects to my childhood and family relationships. [Big T is not about that caking life either] My family isn't the one that says "I love you" every time we see each other or get off the phone. We just sit on the couch and watch movies together for hours on end, which means "Hey, I spent 7 hours with you that I could have been spending with someone else and that means I love you very much."

So here are my questions, 'cause I know it's a lot of open cakers reading my blog. (It's funny because it's true).

1. If words of affirmation is your love language, what do you want to hear from your partner and why? If words of affirmation is NOT your love language, but it IS your partner's how do you flex your style to accommodate his/hers?

2. How many words of affirmation are too many words? Like does he need to know I had a good time EVERY time we go out? Am I supposed to say it before we leave each other? Send it in a text? Couldn't texting him 24, 48, 72 hours later saying how I feel about him make him think I'm loco and/or needy?

I figure if I say yes to a 2nd date that should indicate that I had a good time the first time around, but I know everyone doesn't think like me.

Help me y'all!


Ishea said...

My love language is "quality time and physical touch." My boyfriend is "acts of service." The way you receive love is typically the way you show it. I think understanding this and openly discussing it with your partner is the first step. My boyfriend and I did this test and spoke about it. He knows that laying up underneath me and spending time together and tons of affection is how I know he loves me. I don't have to hear it all the time, but you need to be touching me and making time for me. He receives love and feels loved by having me do things for him that he didn't have to ask for. So, washing the clothes just because, picking something up from the store, just little things that I deem to be SUPER simple is how he feels loved. He doesn't need me to be up under him showering him with kisses or time... but since we both are aware how the other receives love, we do have to give and take to make sure there's balance.

I don't think there's a one size fits all way of saying you've said or done too much... but you have to feel out the situation, know who you're with, and how much work you're willing to do. All relationships require compromise, adjustments, give and take... however you'd like to classify it... you weren't designed with such and such person in mind lol... but you can grow together and learn what works for you.

Don't be afraid to cake every now and then because there's no better feeling than being head over heels in love... all the way lost in that sauce!! Drown in it lol...

** sorry for the wall of text **

Unknown said...

This is complex. I think it's good that you recognize you have difficulty (verbally) expressing your love. That means it's something you can work on. There are a lot of people who spend time with others simply because they're afraid of being alone, so it's not always a clear indication that you enjoy someone's company. You could be looking for relief from your own aloneness (speaking in general).

If your boyfriend says that he wants verbal affirmations, I think it's good to listen. I'm glad you chose the word "affirmation", because I think it's key. At the point your partner expresses this, the two of you should have a conversation about why he feels this way. It's important that this conversation cover why you may not always SAY how you feel, but you show it. At the end of the day, your partner shouldn't need constant validation from you. There is a point where it becomes his issue that HE needs to work out. But having the conversation gets the two of you working it out together, and it's a great relationship-builder.

chichi said...

So maybe you should start small, and at the most random times when he least expects it. Of course in your head, it'd be a conscious effort. And see how you feel and he feels about it.

If he's meeting your expectations given your love languages, it'd be nice of you to do the same for him.