It was Valentine's Day 2011. I'd left four of my girlfriends and a great DJ at the Time Out Chicago Valentine's Day Party at the Wit and headed to an undisclosed Old Town location to embark on my first speed dating adventure. My hair was fluffy, my dress was [just the right amount of] tight and my red pumps were pounding the pavement in search of love (or you know, whatever).
Always the punctual diva, I seemed to be the first one there. I found out that the women would stay seated and the men would rotate. This was a bit disconcerting because like Loretta Devine in Waiting to Exhale I think there's something to say about a man watching you walk away.
I grabbed a Ketel and lemonade to calm my nerves and ever the exhibitionist, I decided to take a seat front and center so everyone who came in the door would have to see me.
As the women started to file in, I quickly learned that everyone wasn't so festive. There were no stunning women there, but no one was ugly. This was a good sign that I hoped would lead to generally attractive men. One woman, let's call her Suzanne, checked in with the host and then immediately walked over and starting talking to me.
She didn't take the same care that I did getting dressed. She had on duck boots and mom jeans and a shirt that your mom would think was nice to wear to a PTA meeting. Something you'd wear to the Target without feeling like you look a complete mess. She looked like she was about to go hunting deer.
Also, she was certifiably crazy. Our correspondence went something like this.
Suzanne: How old do I look?
Tea: Um... wow... um, that's a really leading question.
S: I know, but just give it a try
Tea: (Note, she was clearly 40, so I said) Um... 34
S: I'm 35, but the cut-off for tonight is 34, so I'm glad you said I look 34.
Tea: Great, you look just about your age.
S: No! I looking YOUNGER than my age. You said 34.
Tea: Right. 34. Exactly.
S: I'm divorced. I live at home with my parents. I'm not working right now, but I'm taking classes. I have to find a way to spin this. And you know what else? Posture... I have horrible posture.
Tea: *smiling and nodding* You know, I think your posture's fine, but you may not want to sit at this table [next to me] on a stool with no back. Maybe you'd be better off at one of the couches, so you can perch up [way the hell away from me]
S: That's a great idea. Thank you!
So after I'd successfully gotten rid of Suzanne, I noticed some fellas walk through the door. To be continued...