at first... and then... but...

At First
So far, so VERY good. He makes me smile and my heart skips a beat when his number shows up on my phone. I am so absolutely comfortable with him. It's like we were friends in a past life or something. I love the beginnings. I wouldn't give up these feelings for anything. I hope the feeling stays... I hope he stays and if it doesn't and he doesn't, at least I had the opportunity to experience it and to experience him.

**insert big fat cheesy cake face here**
*awaits texts messages, bbms and facebook notes talking about "who is dude"*

And then:
OMG! So as soon as I tell people that I like a guy they are quick to run me down the aisle with said fella. You guys have GOT to stop doing this to me. It's bad enough that when I meet someone I like I want to skip all the work of a relationship and fast forward to happy. (#realissues)

Here are the top 10 things I've heard about new boo from various sources:

10. No, but really, when are you going to set the date?
9. That's because he IS your boyfriend.
8. Aw... you're definitely in a relationship with all these ups and downs OR
7. I'm glad to hear you're in a relationship
6. Tea probably can't make it, you know she has a boo now.
5. He did what? OMG! He really likes you.
4. I like him for you.
3. So when are you guys taking a road trip to a football game?
2. So when am I going to meet your boyfriend?
1. Tea, are you giggling? *tea giggles* *flava flav voice* WOW. I've never heard a man make you giggle before.

You guys, OMG! Stop it. *grins from ear to ear* the bottom could still fall out. We are not yet in a relationship. He is not my boyfriend yet. Stop getting me excited. I cannot put all of my eggs in his [phenomenal] basket this early lest my heart get broken into tiny irreparable pieces (which is the #realissue).

Ok, who am I kidding. I love every nail-biting second of the soap opera that is my love life. #facepalm #iMaCake

But...
Per usual he didn't last longer than a good pedicure. Back to the drawing board... [per antithesis, who I agree with wholeheartedly] and that's OK.

Ah... the seasons

Never before has this much attention been giving to cuffing season. You know, the fall, after your summer fling has fizzled out and before it's too cold to go out and meet anyone new.

But thanks to Twitter, the season is on full BLAST. So here's Tea's top 10 ways to call cuffing season (as seen on Twitter and in my bbm messages)

10. How-the-fuck-did-he-find-my-information season
9. Don't-you-still-have-a-girlfriend season
8. I-would-have-went-if-Facebook-didn't-rat-you-out [Also known as #Kanyeshrug and/of #LogoffOfLife] season
7. This-must-be-some-kind-of-a-joke season
6. Maybe-he-forgot-how-bogusly-we-broke-up season
5. Fall/Autumn/Football Season
4. Choosing season
3. Cuddle season
2. Track-back season
1. Reach-back season

Did I miss any? How else have you heard cuffing season labeled?

I Need a Key Message: Friends First

We all know that friends are better lovers. (The breakups are worst too, but that's neither here nor there). The point is you want to be friends with your significant other, because there's nothing worst than sleeping with someone nightly who you don't really give two damns about (or so I've heard).

So you meet a person, you're attracted to said person, you want to be "friends first," to ensure the success of what may bloom to be a successful romantic relationship, but you don't want to get stuck in the "friend zone" either. Tricky. Tricky.

So to my intelligent, accomplished, eloquent readers, today's question of the day is: How do you communicate the following to a person without sounding bat shit crazy "I'd like to be 'friends first' but I have no intention of being in the 'friend zone.'"

Follow up QOTD include: Has anyone ever heard anyone say this and did it go over well?

You Never Noticed Me

So once upon a time, I met a guy who wasn't from the Chi, but had lived here for a while, but I'd never met him. I'd never seen him. And we both like to party and we're black (FYI, all black people know each other... I'm kidding, sort of), so it just baffled me that this connection was never made.

I was talking to him trying to figure it out and he hit me with the "You probably just never noticed me."

Um... WHOA!

First of all, I felt like crap, because that is absolutely true. He's not flashy. And I rarely notice things that don't stand out.

So there are two ways to look at this "chance" meeting.

1. The Twitter this-is-why-you're-single-rhetoric: T, you've been going after the wrong guys. You're so wrong, you're so superficial, you want the star player, the guy everyone thinks is fine. You need to relax your standards. You need to have paid closer attention. Your attitude is going to make you miss your man. You're too old to be single. You must not know how to iron shirts or give head and you should give it to men who look like Flava Flav because you are somehow flawed since you're not married with a heap of children by now.

2. The ACTUAL reason: T, you didn't see him because you weren't ready to experience him until the exact time you met him. And either God made you blind to him or just kept you all on opposite ends of the city, but there's no use in thinking about it because now you know him. The end.

Oh, so that's how you feel?

I was talking to a homie the other day. She broke up with a dude 7... 8 years ago and he still calls. Since the breakup she has not answered his call ATALL. But every once in a while, she'll get a call from him. She's frustrated by it. I think it's funny. I'm like "ew, dude is extra thirsty" or "wow, he really doesn't get it, huh"

Howsoever, there is a guy who I uber-liked and it just didn't work out. Every now and again I give him a call. He never answers. In my mind it never occurred to me that he could be having this same rhetoric with a homie. "Man, she won't stop calling me. I never answer her calls. I don't know what her problem is."

And that scares me, because I'm not desperate and I can take a hint, but I really think he's a cool dude and I wouldn't mind just "knowing" him. You know, like if I'm in your city we'll go get drinks, but we'll never be buddies for real. That type of thing.

Am I nuts? Should I vow to never call or text or e-mail him ever again? Do you have someone like this that you never answer the phone for? I'm just interested in getting different perspectives from my own.

In my head, I feel like one day, he'll pick up the phone. We'll have the best conversation in life and then we won't talk for another couple of years. In real life, he probably thinks I'm a quarterly stalker. What do you all think?

Welcome to Q4!!!!

So here's what I learned in Q3.

1. Making more money is great! It feels good to save AND spend money on nice things without feeling like I'm sacrificing one for the other.

2. A secondary income is so helpful and lately money has just been falling into my lap.

3. Being accountable helps me stick to the plan. I could have tricked off all my money in Q3, it was summer and all. But because I've set very specific goals and have so many people pulling for me (via this blog) to reach my goals, I feel a greater responsibility to do what I said I was going to do and not be woo-ed by bottle service, sexy handbags, trips on planes and other such trickoffery.

4. I can be self-indulgent. While I allowed myself to not be woo-ed by big ticket items, I tricked off a good deal of what I was supposed to be saving on small treats. I have a hard time sacrificing things are are related to beauty and I don't know any other way to be. I need help. Who knows a book I could read to help me get over my obsession with spending money on pretty things? Anyone? Anyone?

Q3 Update: September

In September I skipped

2. A fabulous Labor Day trip to NYC with the boos. I had the money to spend, but I decided to save it instead. There will be other fabulous trips. I'm so proud of me for this decision.

Unexpected expenditures were

d. Little brother's graduation gift. In June or maybe even July I promised Sam a suit for graduation to help him with his job interviews. Since then, he'd said that he didn't really want that, so instead of tucking the money I'd budgeted for that away, I spent it. (Can I blame it on the summer? No? Ok, then.) So anyway, when he called and wanted his gift, I dipped RIGHT into my savings to hook him up. What can I say, that's my baby.
e. A Bears hoodie
f. Everything in yesterday's post

Help! I May Be Self-Indulgent!!!

Today is... well it doesn't matter what today is, but let me tell you what I've dipped into my savings to cover over the last week.

Focusing on me
- A dress for a date
- A manicure
- Eyebrow threading

Focusing on relationships
- Happy hour (with a coworker who quit)
- A gift for my niece's bday (I'd actually budgeted for this, but used that money on some other good or service when I found out I wouldn't see her ON her bday)
- Mary J. Blige tickets (because my sister needed someone to go with)
- Monday Night Football (with the homies)

What is my problem? I never, I mean never, fault myself for spending money when it comes to maintaining relationships. What else are we going to do besides eat or drink (or give gifts to the kids). I'm sure we could go to a free musuem or something, but I'm an American. I like to eat and I like to indulge. There's no getting over that.

I think where I could save some money is the "focus on me" stuff. I mean, plenty of people do their own nails. I could do that right? (Gags behind the computer). I can't pluck my own brows though, but I have found a woman that's $8 instead of the usual $15 I spend.

And the date dress piece. Nothing in my closet was working. We had a specific thing to go to and I needed to look a certain amount of put together and a certain amount of chill and after doing laundry, nothing in my closet fit the bill. Yes, I paid full price for the dress, but... he loved it, so whatever.

People, THIS is exactly why I can't keep money in the bank long enough to pay my credit cards down. I can talk myself INTO a purchase before I can talk myself out of a purchase.

I'm thinking about not letting myself move again until 100% of my CC debt is paid. I'm still working towards the goal of getting CCs to 20-30% of my available balances. It's going to be more like 40-50% at the end of 2010 though :-/. I think my desire to get out of frat town and back to the quiet of Lakeview might keep me out of the malls and nail shops long enough to do what I said I was going to do.

So... have at it. Analyze me. Tell me how bad I am. Send me tips, tools, suggestions. Pray for me too. I need clearly [spending] help.

Q3 Update: August

In August I skipped:

Well, I didn't really have to skip anything.

My unexpected expenditures were:
c. Everything I bought for my apartment. What's wild is that before I made the decision to move I wrote in this post how I knew I'd buy new furniture. But when I actually started looking for a new apartment I convinced myself that I wouldn't purchase (or need) anything new. I was right at first and wrong the second time around.

I don't feel any kind of buyer's remorse because even though this is my third apartment I never decorated. I've just always had mismatched stuff. (Isn't that sad.) Now that I have the means, it's just natural to spend money to love where I live instead of just tolerating it. Even with all those trips to Ikea, Target and Bed, Bath & Beyond, I still was able to keep money in my savings account. YAY!

Q3 Update: July

In July I skipped:
1. Getting custom closets that cost more than my rent. Oh, how I wanted them, but I have to remember 2010's goal is to pay down debt. Not to have sexy closets. I blame Carrie Bradshaw. Focus T... Focus!

Unexpected Expenditures were:
a. My move costing 2.5x what I budgeted for it. Damn broken elevators and ratchet ass moving company. Whatever.
b. 4th of July spending. I was paying full price at the door, buying drinks for my girls, pretty much losing my damn mind.

Big Womp

Ok, so the Essence Summer Dating Challenged FAILED. No one gave up, but my nearest and dearest are at an impasse because I have standards, they have standards and dating often is not as easy as I make it look. *Jay-Z voice* I make this look too easy.

Mom - "I'm going to give myself until the end of the fall to find you a date due to natural disaster. (The floods in the 'burbs)

@thummyb - "I honestly just don't know who to hook you up with. Maybe you should just start coming out with me and my boyfriend. We see eligible guys all the time, but they're not the type of guys that would go on a blind date."

Coworker - "I'm so glad you just came into to tell me about *insert new bootential name* because I have no updates for you."

So my people didn't give up. They put their best foot forward... it just didn't happen. Still thanks to Essence for giving me a solid week of posts on the misfits. I also added spice to the lives of my friends and family (you know this ish is funny).

Not That Week

I interrupt the Essence dating posts to tell you all about a week I had.

So the week I wrote this was the sort of week anthropologists like myself dream about. I had several opportunities to study male communication patterns. Yep, that week I was contacted by no less than four ex-boos and countless new bootential IN THE SAME WEEK. It was actually over the course of two or three serious days. *insert perplexed face*

An undisclosed number of them have somewhat of a hold on me, the other undisclosed number of them can kick rocks for multiple reasons.

I've been entertaining the foolishness of an undisclosed number of them from both categories for the stories (#fact the stories that DON'T make it to Tea & Such are actually the best ones. Gotta leave some things to the imagination on the blog.)

And as far important (but no-good-on-their-own) traits/characteristics/qualifications like good looks, money and presence are concerned, I've certainly put together a championship roster. *begin sarcasm font* If I could just let the need for emotional stability and availability go, I would be able to pick a star player and eliminate the bench.

But... not so much.

Mom's Misfits

So I had all these great misfits to write about from my bff and my coworker, but none from my mom until I asked her. According to her, she can't relax her standards because she's mom and she doesn't want to be the one that hooks me up with a "jerk."

Mom also has her own set of criteria, none of which she ran past me before she got started. According to mom, he has to be tall & handsome, romantic, Christian or some form or spiritual (this was a little bit of a shock, I thought for sure she would have said he had to be Christian. You think you know your parents.)

He has to have good parents & I quote "he needs to come from good stock." I see mom's trying to make me into a baby-making machine over here and her emphasis on pretty has not changed since I was a child.

I can dig it though. Here are all the guys that didn't make it from my mom.

1. Her coworker's son - When mommy brags about me, a coworker always chimes in about HER son and hints that we should date. My lovely mother said she doesn't want that woman in her family. Mom is officially cock-blocking, but ol' girl's son doesn't look like Idris, so I'm over it.

2. Her husband's nephews - My mom goes "no blood connection, no problem." She's funny. Anywho, she decided against them because a) they don't live in Chicago and b) even though she doesn't think it's weird, she doesn't want her in-laws to think that I have a hard time getting a date and c) if it didn't work out mom would have a harder time at the family reunions.

3. Her girls' connects - My mom has a group of girls who she's been cool with for about 40 years. Mom sent an e-mail to the group about this dating challenge. 5 women total. 2 just didn't respond. 2 said "T is intimidating, good luck with that."

(Side note: I'm not making this up, I didn't pick the word intimidating either. I know how touched menfolk get when black women use that word to describe ourselves. This is the word mature black women used to describe me and I rebuked it right then and there, but they didn't care though. Whatever).

Back to the stats: 1 of her 5 friend (the last woman standing) starts sending my mom names like *insert fine celebrity name here* and a whole 'nother list of Chicagoans that mom had to Google. She made me Google them because she was busy.

a) Bachelor number one was a few years younger than my mom. HELL NO!
b) Bachelor number two was a chunky white guy. I'm all about the swirl, but I need more Jude Law, less George from Seinfeld
c) *insert fine celebrity name here* Um... mom and friends, you cannot just sift through the TV channels, see a fine man and then say "I think he would be good for T." I told her if she knows him and he wants to fly to Chicago for a blind date WITH ME (this is highly unlikely), then I'm down. If not, I need them to be a bit more realistic.

Stay tuned for more from mom.

The Misfits

First, let's talk about the guys that didn't make it:

Coworker's Picks

The Gay Guy - Sadly, according to Big Mike, I just like gay guys. The fella in question had everything on my list of requirements, if you will. It wasn't shocking when my boss told me that she thought he was perfect for me, inquired and he was like "If Tea has a brother or uncle, I'm down." Yeah... no.

Mr. Perfect - This dude was seemingly perfect for me and actually not gay. I won't run his stats because the world is too small, but basically in the time that it took my coworker to hook the date up, he met and cultivated a relationship and now has a serious girlfriend. WOMPERS!

BFF Picks

The Guy My Home Skillet Dated - Seriously if I had fewer girlfriends, my options for dating would open up significantly, but I'm not dating a guy that someone who's going to be in my wedding used to date. Nope, can't do it.

The Too Close For Comfort Guy - My bff picked him, ran his stats and I was willing to try it. Then she gave me a full name and I know dude. That's all I'm saying so that I don't incriminate him or myself. I died laughing though. I know too many people.

More of the misfits coming up tomorrow.

Essence Summer Dating Challenge

So I did the Essence Summer Dating Challenge. The challenge was to go on three blind dates over the course of the summer set up by 1) your mom 2) your best friend and 3) your boss.

As a dating anthropologist this was right up my alley. Because while I do a fair amount of dating, I've never been on a blind date. I also have never tasked anyone who loved me with setting me up with someone. I've casually hinted, but people never take me seriously.

So anyway, just like the Match.com series, stay tuned this week for tales of good, bad and the ugly.

Good News Thursday

Or you know whatever day I post this. But the day I wrote this, here's all the good things that were happening

10. I just booked another wedding. Did I tell you all I do on-site day-of wedding coordinating? If not, look out for a post on that later. :) YAY.
9. The gig has been taking real notice of how phenomenal I am. And well... it pays to be phenomenal. #bonuses and #perks
8. The gig gave me to opportunity to give #bonuses and #perks to my team who's also phenomenal. Spreading the love like cake icing outchea.
7. I got free Cubs tickets yesterday. AWESOMENESS.
6. I only had to work three days this week.
5. I got invited to a client meeting that I never get invited to because it's "next level" time. And you know what next-level means... MO MONEY, MO MONEY.
4. I am not sick anymore. I have mild allergies every morning, but the cold that was almost the death of me in August is LONG GONE!!!!
3. I have options.
2. You love me.
1. God loves me.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!!!

Who's happy the 30 prefixed topics are over *raises hand high*

30 - One Last Moment

YESSIR!!!

29 - Your Aspirations

I aspire to (continue to) be a trailblazer in my profession.
I aspire to be a Vice President at my current PR firm.
I aspire to one day start my own business.
I aspire to be a loving girlfriend.
I aspire to be a serene fiance.
I aspire to be a devoted wife.
I aspire to be a doting mother.
I aspire to own a home with in-unit laundry (let's stop playing these baldheaded games, this is my only TRUE aspiration in life)
I aspire to own [or have lots of access to] a boat

28 - Something That You Miss

Wal-mart and not for the reasons that you think. I miss Wal-mart in Savoy because I used to call b up at any time of the night and she lived in Champaign and I lived in Urbana and we would meet up at Wal-mart in Savoy.

Now she lives on the south side and I live on the northside and there is nowhere that's open 24 hours that has deals on everything from bagels to boots and where you could find couples doing "family" shopping before everyone knew they were an item.

Oh, many a relationship press release was written via Wal-mart in Savoy. I miss having so many of my close friends no less than 2 miles away from me at all times, with little to no responsibilities and therefore lots of free time and lots of student loan money to waste.

27 - Your Favorite Place

I've been to so many places, I can't really pick a favorite. But here's the honest-to-God truth: My favorite place is with people I love. So if they're at my mom's, my grandma's, Miami, France, church, the club, a bbq, a bar, on the sidewalk, at a restaurant or in my apartment, then it becomes my favorite place.

26 - Your Fears

OMG! It's October. I'm supposed to be doing an update on Q3, but let me finish this 30-day business out first. I love it when the posts just write themselves.

Ok, my fears. I'll share two since it's plural.

1. I fear that I'm going to do something to upset God and I won't bounce back from it. Like I'm extremely blessed today, but one day I'm going to say or do something ungodly and God will say I've given you enough second chances and that was it.

I also think my punishments will be subtle and effect the next generation. Like my kids are going to be ugly or morbidly obese or have health issues because I was mean (or can be mean sometimes).

2. I'm also deathly afraid of... you know what if you want to know DM or e-mail me. I'm superstitious sometimes and I feel like if I put this on the blog the likelihood of it happening will go up.