Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Mom's Misfits

So I had all these great misfits to write about from my bff and my coworker, but none from my mom until I asked her. According to her, she can't relax her standards because she's mom and she doesn't want to be the one that hooks me up with a "jerk."

Mom also has her own set of criteria, none of which she ran past me before she got started. According to mom, he has to be tall & handsome, romantic, Christian or some form or spiritual (this was a little bit of a shock, I thought for sure she would have said he had to be Christian. You think you know your parents.)

He has to have good parents & I quote "he needs to come from good stock." I see mom's trying to make me into a baby-making machine over here and her emphasis on pretty has not changed since I was a child.

I can dig it though. Here are all the guys that didn't make it from my mom.

1. Her coworker's son - When mommy brags about me, a coworker always chimes in about HER son and hints that we should date. My lovely mother said she doesn't want that woman in her family. Mom is officially cock-blocking, but ol' girl's son doesn't look like Idris, so I'm over it.

2. Her husband's nephews - My mom goes "no blood connection, no problem." She's funny. Anywho, she decided against them because a) they don't live in Chicago and b) even though she doesn't think it's weird, she doesn't want her in-laws to think that I have a hard time getting a date and c) if it didn't work out mom would have a harder time at the family reunions.

3. Her girls' connects - My mom has a group of girls who she's been cool with for about 40 years. Mom sent an e-mail to the group about this dating challenge. 5 women total. 2 just didn't respond. 2 said "T is intimidating, good luck with that."

(Side note: I'm not making this up, I didn't pick the word intimidating either. I know how touched menfolk get when black women use that word to describe ourselves. This is the word mature black women used to describe me and I rebuked it right then and there, but they didn't care though. Whatever).

Back to the stats: 1 of her 5 friend (the last woman standing) starts sending my mom names like *insert fine celebrity name here* and a whole 'nother list of Chicagoans that mom had to Google. She made me Google them because she was busy.

a) Bachelor number one was a few years younger than my mom. HELL NO!
b) Bachelor number two was a chunky white guy. I'm all about the swirl, but I need more Jude Law, less George from Seinfeld
c) *insert fine celebrity name here* Um... mom and friends, you cannot just sift through the TV channels, see a fine man and then say "I think he would be good for T." I told her if she knows him and he wants to fly to Chicago for a blind date WITH ME (this is highly unlikely), then I'm down. If not, I need them to be a bit more realistic.

Stay tuned for more from mom.

2 comments:

antithesis said...

george is seinfeld. get ur white tv shows together, girl. speaking of the swirl. this white maintenance worker was checking me out...i have a connect in facilities but not really and a lot of people work in that dept. should i go on a mission to find this dude? i dont even have a name...

Luvvie said...

HILARITY!!! I'ma need them not to pick random celebs out. LOL this is so amusing. But it just means she thinks you rock so...