Monday, April 5, 2010

Where's the Proof?

Disclaimer: I'm super sensitive about this here topic. If you say something in the comments and I feel like you're attacking me (whether you are or not), I'm going to delete your comment. Please tread lightly in the comments section today.


My girl @denissofatal tweeted that her and her stylist were talking about how "some women spend so much time trying to convince their men that they're 'the one.'" She went on to say:

"It's so sad b/c you shouldn't have to do any convincing esp if you know your a worthy Queen and should be treated as such."

I agree wholeheartedly, so much so, that I need to blog on it.

I've been in this situation before. In this particular situation I made no demands on this man. I had no expectations of him. I knew he was seeing other people and I didn't care because I enjoyed the time I spent with him. I loved him in a way that I can't even describe to you on this blog. I made up in my mind that when he was ready to settle down, I would CLEARLY be the one he would settle with because I was SO qualified and because I treated him well and because I didn't have many demands like the bitchy women I saw who were in failed relationships. I thought I was different. I thought was other. I thought I was EXACTLY who he wanted me to be, so I just knew I was going to be the chosen one.

Boy, was I broken at this time. I didn't believe that I was good enough to be the only woman. I felt like due to the male-female ratio in the world and especially the black community that I have to prove that I was worthy enough to be his girl, his only girl. I couldn't just bring what I had to the table and that be enough. Nope, I had to go above & beyond.

The thing is I am good enough. And I am good enough before *insert sarcasm font* Doing all the things Steve Harvey said I should do or listening to Finesse Williams' advice in Essence or calling my boys for advice (who are clearly experts on successful relationships). Before taking the advice of single males on Twitter with early adulthood issues about how I should improve certain sexual positions to secure a man. *end sarcasm font* The truth is just by being made in the image of God I am good enough to be someone's one and only. Actually, I'm amazing *Jill Scott voice* in every way imaginable.

I'm either going to be your girl in a monogamous relationship or I'm not. Gone are the days of walking on eggshells about this topic. When I'm ready to talk about it, we're going to talk about it. When he's ready to talk about it (if he's more ready then me), then we're going to talk about it. I'm not going to be trying to be chosen. I'm not going to try to be who I think he wants me to be.

I will be collaborative, but not compromsing. I will be open, my I won't turn a sideeye to deal breakers in the name of companionship.

Ladies, you don't have to either. You are enough. No one is perfect. So long as you are working to make yourself a better person, you are exactly what the man for you needs OR he's not the one. I can't say this enough. Actually I might put it on a t-shirt or pass it around on business cards.


And to quote another songstress, the truth it needs no proof, either it is or it isn't.


antithesis said...

so apparently, ive been acting like an idiot. every relationship (i better actually call it an interaction b/c no one ever wants to be my boyfriend) centered on me trying to be chosen. epic fucking fail. AND on top of that, only in a toddler fist full of those situations did i actually even like the boy and in fewer instances (zero) did i see myself with that person long-term. moral of the story, i dont do anything that makes sense.

T said...

@antithesis, girl, you're way too hard on yourself. You also have to remember I'm older than you, so when I was your age I was probably doing the SAME thing.

We all have to come to realizations for ourselves, but when you know better you [try to] do better.

Be gentle with yourself. Life is a process.

antithesis said...

ur not really that much older than me. ur like my brother's age. but i see what ur saying.

i can only learn when my brother starts talking about having to hurt someone and i never want him to do that on my behalf b/c unlike the losers i deal with, he has a future...

South Loop Social Light said...

I think when you spend less time looking for a relationship or the perfect mate, and more time invested in being the person you'd love to be with... things will face into place. You have to exude a certain energy to attract it back. I think it's amazing when women stop wasting their time and drop the dude's that aren't on the same page as them. I'd love to call those guy's worthless, but in all honesty, if someone isn't currently giving you what it is that you want and need, why be with them? I'm glad you're on the road to finding your happiness.

rhonalala said...

Good post. I have to say that you are correct. We black women and women have to concentrate on making ourselves happy and Mr.Right will come along. The right, correct man for us.