Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Most days I wake up and wish I was a man, especially on days when I'm bleeding like a horse and therefore it feels like Mike Tyson is punching me in my lower back for hours on end. When I'm in so much pain that tears just stream down my face in agony without me even noticing that I'm crying.

Yes, most days I want to be a man and here's why:

10. They run most businesses and while I'm not saying they're not qualified, I'm just saying if women started off on equal footing with men, then we'd be running more companies too.
9. They get to be hoes (yes, I would like to be a slut, thanks for asking.)
8. They get to choose to be married or single. (asking a man to marry you is wiggedy, wiggedy, wack)
7. They get to procreate for about double the time women get to procreate (no biological ticking clock and therefore no aunties asking you when you're going to get married at the got damn family reunion)
6. They don't have to deal with menstrual cramps (this really should be number one)
5. They don't have to deal with childbirth which I heard is like cramps times 10 (or deadbeat dads for that matter)
4. They don't [usually] have to deal with the dumb ass emotions we HAVE to deal with. Thanks estrogen.
3. They don't have to have extensive wardrobes, or dye their hair when it turns gray or worry about wrinkles or cellulite. (though potbellies are not what's hot in the streets, so they DO need to work on that when they get middle-aged)
2. They're fewer of them in the world than women, which makes mating that much easier for them.
1. They're simple as shit.

The only time being a woman is really helpful is when you need something free. You can bat your eyes and perk your breasts up and you're good to go. But let's be clear, women who appear to be strong don't get free stuff. You have to play the part of helpless damsel in distress. Oh yes, I've done it. But I'd much rather just be a man with enough money to buy whatever I wanted. Or better yet I'd rather have my hat in the ring to be the ruler of the free world than to get on the CTA for free when I leave my bus pass at home (roughly $2.25 each way).

It's only when I wake up twisted and turned in bed with my hand, arm or elbow lying on my breast that I truly appreciate being a woman. Men don't have anything that compares to breasts. But yeah, other than breasts, being a man would be awesome.


South Loop Social Light said...

Your period sounds like some sort of monster. Have you thought about getting on birth control to help reduce some of the discomfort?

antithesis said...

feel u 100% on this post. sometimes i wanna b a man but then i like hair and makeup too much so then id be some sort of flamboyant gay man...defeats the purpose.