Thursday, January 21, 2010

Can't See Em Coming Down My Eyes

I want to cry. I want to cry a big ugly, heaving I-hope-nobody-sees-me cry. I want to have an emotional manifestation of being overwhelmed besides anger, but the tears will not drop. My mind knows that I can handle being overwhelmed, my emotions are not so sure.

My body is convinced quite otherwise and my face. My face feels like the weight of the worlds is sitting on the creases of my mouth and not even the biggest body builder could curl my frown into a smile.

I feel like I'm dry heaving, but with tears. I wish I could just vomit, er, um I mean cry already. Somehow I've convinced myself that big girls don't cry [in the workplace], let alone a grown woman showing emotion.

But I am showing emotion. I'm showing pure disgust and unadulterated hatred for anyone who adds to my monumental list of tasks. I'm showing gross resentment for the 14-hour workdays, never-ending travel and extreme lack of gratitude for my time and service.

Yes, I am showing emotion that I'd rather not feel let alone show. I really just wish I could fucking cry in my office and get it over with, so I could release this overwhelmed feeling and fucking get back to work.

Maybe this post will help.

2 comments:

Kay* said...

ahhhh girly. don't you hate that feeling? perhaps watching a sad movie when you get home will help...& eat some ice cream...let it all out. it's TOTALLY okay!

ThummyB said...

See...look at me all late to the party. I have been so deep in work that I haven't even been to your blog in a week.

My suggestion is to set limits and carve out small portions of your day to enjoy. For instance, I find that even when I work late, if I force myself to stop at 9 (instead of working until 11), then I really enjoy those 2 hours spent just on me. I do something that will make me happy (some nights that's exercising, other nights its reading a book/mag...rarely is it surfing the net, as that is too similar to work). It doesn't seem like this would make a difference, but the feeling that you claimed some portion of your day just for yourself is surprisingly rewarding.

Now the mountain of work will still be there tomorrow. Stay strong and know that eventually the load will lighten. When you reach the point where you can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel, then...