Monday, November 30, 2009

The Morning After


I don't know what the next morning after a drunken party night is like for you, but for me it's pure hilarity. It's actually just as much fun as the night before. I run through my drunk tweets, my drunk texts and try to remember what the other nonsense I got into that wasn't documented.

I woke up with the biggest bag of Harold's chicken you've ever seen on my countertop. I found a chicken bone on the floor and there are random pieces of chicken skin in random places: on the bed, on the couch, in my linen drawer. (Side note: my girls pre-gamed at my house and came back to my house afterwards to partake in the deep fried goodness that is several 4-pieces with salt, pepper and mild sauce. I didn't eat all that chicken by myself).

Last night I hugged a girl I really don't know too well, super hard because I thought she was her friend. Then when I actually saw her friend I REALLY hugged the hell outta her. I know they were probably like... this drunk broad (Hopefully they were drunk too, that typically cancels out any weirdness).

I vaguely recall the bouncers screaming at everyone to leave the club (you know we like to loiter), but it sounded like a faint whisper and surprisingly it wasn't as irritating as it usually is. Thank you vodka.

I gave my number to a guy from OK at Harolds because my best friend lives there. I think I said something like "my best friend lives there, take my number." (I really don't know though, LMAO).

I told my girl she could park in front of my house for about an hour without getting a ticket or getting towed. There is a loading dock in front on my place, but you have to go up onto a low curb to get to it. She sat there for like 5 minutes asking me over & over if it was ok to go on the curb. I just remember getting yes out between teary, shoulder-jerking laughs. At one point I just started nodding my head - I couldn't make any words out laughing so hard.

And last, but not least, for some reason, the sound didn't work on my cable when we got back from the club Friday night. On Saturday morning I vaguely remembered that from Friday night, but I thought it was just because I was drunk and incoherent. It's not the TV, because the sound works fine on DVDs. I'm convinced that his has something to do with being in a house full of drunk & hot girls at 3 o'clock in the morning, but I have no proof.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

I'm taking a little holiday break, so no more (planned) posts until next week. Not because I don't have anything to say, but mainly because you all will be too busy comment (rightfully so) and my feelings get hurt when folks don't comment. (I'm lowkey sensitive.)

I get off work at 3 p.m. Wednesday and will be heading to my mom's with [tupperware and] ingredients for my famous mac & cheese in tow. I'll stay the night, maybe go to church on Thursday morning and spend all Thanksgiving day with family before devising a plan to get back to the city without taking public transportation. LOL!

Friday, I'm chillin' all day (might hit the gym), then clubbing with the HS homies for the first time in a LONG time. (They don't like to club, but made a special request this year to party. Who am I to deny that request).

Question of the day: What are your thankgiving plans?

And last, but not least: from me and mine to you and yours I hope your Thanksgiving is truly fabolous and wonderful!!!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Put It Away

Ok, saying I'm obsessed with concealing clutter lately is like the understatement of the year. After assembling my bookcase, I realized that I have a lot of bookmarks that are just lying on the bookshelf all willy nilly. It looks horrible [to me].

So like I do for all my problems, I went to Google to figure out what to do with them and NO one had any blogs about organizing bookmarks. Well, one person did. She said go on a search, which is exactly what I did.

I found the following at Equinox on the Corner of Broadway and Roscoe in East Lakeview. It's good for window shopping because just like the woman in this Metromix review, they treated me like crap... maybe they only like boys. Hmph! Darn shame too, because I wanted to buy some stuff.

Below: This was the first thing I saw. I like the wide opening, but at $95 it actually costs more than I paid for my new bookshelf. That's doing the most for bookmark storage if you ask me.



Below: I really liked candle holder. It's green (trying to throw some green accents around the studio) and at $6 it would get the job done).


Below: This was one of my faves. It's $12 and I like the black& white (and the butterflies). It was long enought to hold my longer bookmarks.


Below: This reminded me of the one above. At $12.50 it's in the same price family, but with a different color and patten scheme. Oh, decisions, decisions.



Below: This is my absolute fave. It's so classy and bookmarks would look like works of art housed in here. However, it's $32.50, again doing the most for bookmark storage. It also wasn't long enough for some of my odd shaped bookmarks. It IS pretty though.


These next finds were at the Brown Elephant, my favorite high-end resale shop supporting the Howard Brown Health Centers.
Below: This is basic basket was $1. I didn't get it because it was too open for my tastes. It actually would have looked like like I just threw the bookmarks in there and didn't put any thought into it. I should have picked it up for bathroom storage though. I'll go back...

And last but not least on my shopping, I considered getting this $2 teacup to house my bookmarks. I wanted to put some art on it that said something like "Serving up a good read." Then I thought about the fact that I don't have any paint, brushes, nor a steady hand nor legible handwriting, so I left this beautiful little teacup there.
I also thought about buying a small version of Kay's monkey, but it's so white and my house accents are so dark and $22 + S&H is say it with me now "doing the most for bookmark storage."

All of that to say, I didn't buy anything, but I have my eyes peeled for the perfect little bookmark holder.

Are you all looking for anything odd that you can't find? Maybe I'll do a segment where I go through Lakeview shopping (maybe, maybe not). I really do enjoy looking even if I'm not buying anything.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Riddle Me This...

Questions I want to know the answer to always occur to me when I'm buy myself. (I live alone, so I'm by myself pretty often). After I put Billy up, I had a bunch of boxes to take to the trash and I did so with no bra on. Everytime I leave my apartment bra-less (usually when taking out the trash), I'm reminded how men in my life have been completely against me leaving house sans bra.

I'm not typically in a relationship, but at any given time where I called someone my boyfriend he always did a cautious doubletake when I got ready to leave the comfort of the apartment without a bra. (I'm guessing cautious because my fuse can be short - I'm doing much better in that area though.)

I digress.

The question of the day is: Why do men not want me to leave the house bra-less? Do they feel they should have exclusivity to my nipples? Are they scared for my safety? Are they worried that men are going to think I'm a slut? Are women who don't wear bras sluts?

I really want to hear from the fellas on this, but ladies if a man has given you some insight into their line of thinking on the bra piece, please let me know.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Gimme Dat Billy!!!

I have today off (Yes, I get a lot of days off work, don't hate). This morning, I'll drop my mom off at work, then take her car to Ikea to get this lovely piece of cheap furniture (Billy bookshelf from Ikea).



I don't know why it's taken me so long to buy a simple bookshelf, but I've wanted it forever. Thummyb said Ikea stuff is VERY easy to put together and I'll be using my stepfather's dolly to get it up to my apartment.

I expect everything to be easy breezy, but I'll probably have a story for you all on Monday. HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Tea's Tangents

1. I got something in the mail from my mom. No kidding, she put "yo mamma" with her address in the return address area. I can't make this ish up.

2. Someone posted up an article about the economics of being a call girl. I wanted to read it, but it was super long, so I saved it to my favorites as "hoe article" to remind me to read it later.

3. Lately I've been having dreams about people I'm NOT supposed to be having dreams about. (Don't ask me, b/c I'm not gonna say who). But it is becoming increasingly difficult to tell the difference between how I feel in real life and how I feel when I go to sleep.

4. I have dry skin and it really makes me mad. In the summer I can wear baby oil gel, but in the winter I have to use expensive lotions. I prefer Johnson & Johnson w Shea Butter, but the stores I shop at never have it, so I've been using Curel (works just as good) or Oil of Olay Quench (does a pretty good job too). I wish I could just use generic lotion. Do you know how much I would save every winter? Ah well.

5. I was in church on Sunday and spotted a good looking, suited-up, wedding-ringless brother sitting in the general vicinity of where I sit every Sunday. Needless to say I was exited, but as always, at church, I was focused on God. THEN Bishop asked everyone who needed a job to stand up. We prayed for these folks in Jesus' name that God would bless him.

You all know what happened right? This brother stood up and went from a bootential who I should try to talk to after church to "I should wait until God handles his employment situation THEN I'll talk to him after church."

I don't feel bad about it, but it IS funny. What can I say, I'm honest.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Ojon Restorative Hair Treatment

Product: Ojon Restorative Hair Treatment
Price: $55 for 4.6 oz jar


I originally saw this deep conditioning treatment on one of Essence's beauty pages for dry hair. I bought it when I had a perm and if you've seen good hair (or happen to be a black woman), you know we spare no expense when it comes to having beautiful tresses.

It's a lumpy mixture (think fluffy pancakes) that you warm up in the palm of your hand to liquify then apply from root to tip. When I had a relaxer, it didn't work so well for me. It has a strong, sweet smell. Almost like the smell of cigars (if you're into cigars). I used a good chunk of it, but my hair still seemed thirsty after I washed and blow dried it.

You all know from using Miss Jessies to soften my feet that I don't throw products away just because they don't work. Especially not $55 worth of product. So this jar has traveled with me for nearly 4 years from apartment to apartment and recently I found out that it works really well on my natural hair. *tiger fist* YES!

I've been doing 2-strand twists and the first time I tried them my hair was super dry & brittle, the second time I did a homemade conditioner of olive oil, honey & tea tree oil. The homemade conditioner was ok, but I think I went overboard with the tea tree oil because my hair smelled like antiseptic & I think it actually stripped my hair's moisture.

The third time, I was scouring through my cabinets and found the Ojon. I figured it was worth another try. Having fabulous hair is all about trial and error. I'm happy to report that after using it my hair appeared softer and more moisturized. I highly recommend it (and follow the instructions people). Though I haven't used it regularly, it has lasted 4 years, so I think it's worth the $55 investment. If you can't do that ask for it for Christmas (that's how I got my first Miss Jessie's products).

So what are your favorite hair moisturizers? (If I don't know you or eKnow you let me know if you're natural or relaxed).

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Trading Club Nights for Meals

Side note: This is not a club-bashing post. If you take this opportunity to bash clubs or clubgoers or complain about clubs, I will delete your comments. My loyal readers know I can't stand club complainers. This ain't that.

I looked up in the beginning of November and noticed I hadn't been out since Labor Day weekend AND I think only went out one day that weekend. You all know I like to party, so it's surprising, even to me. But I didn't feel anything missing. Something must clearly be wrong.

Then it dawned on me that I've been going on A LOT of lunch, brunch and dinner dates with friends. Oh boy, I think I have a new pasttime. I don't have to wear tight clothes or shoes that hurt or buy a lot of drinks or have a hangover or deal with thirsty dudes or deal with an 11 to 1 female to male ratio or deal with hating women or loud, ignorant bouncers or DJs who don't play the chorus of my favorite songs. YAY!

I can actually enjoy good food while simultaneously strengthening friendships and creating new memories. Scheduling meals is like my new favorite thing to do. If I had a bigger place, I'd throw dinner parties, but baby steps people, baby steps.

Anyone who knows me knows maintaining relationships is very important to me.

Laugh all you want, but going to the club with my girls has been a way to keep relationships strong for a while. The thing people don't realize is that the club is virtually free for women. If I have a ride and we find a free parking spot and the club is free and it's someone's birthday (so they bought a bottle) or men are plentiful and buying drinks, then all I have to do is get dressed and put on make-up and I don't even really need to buy new clothes. (Family, I can remix the hell out of an outfit.)

So generally, if I wanted to spend time with my girls, I could always say meet me at the club for such & such's birthday and then we wouldn't have to spend any money. We make memories, meet new friends, roast people, it's an all around good, inexpensive time. This isolated some people though, because everyone doesn't like to party the same way and inevitably you're going to run into someone who's just not going to come.

But meals cost money. And I know you think, yeah, but you gotta eat, but let's be serious. Cooking a meal at home is far less expensive than going out to eat even once a week at a reasonably priced restaurant. But as my net worth increases, the way I spend my time is changing because it's a sound investment for me to go to lunch with a friend and the time is more intimate than the club and while we don't have any "I can't believe he said that to you moments" we do get to catch up on life and I really really enjoy that.

Also, from time to time the club is unexpectedly expensive. If I have to take a cab there, there's a cover charge, I have to buy my own drinks, buy a meal after the club and then take a cab home, that could be a $100 night. And I'll say 50% of the time, the fun of the night isn't worth all that. I've never shared a meal with a friend that wasn't worth the cost of the meal or even 10X it.

So yeah, as random as this post is, planning meals is my new favorite thing. It's so simple, yet so fulfilling. How do you maintain and nurture your relationships with friends?

Friday, November 13, 2009

The Joys of Friday Night Laundry

There's an older gentleman in my building who lives on my floor that I see occasionally. Every time we cross paths he complains. "There's oil dripping from the elevator ceiling, the antique elevator doors aren't working, the new washing machine doesn't shake the clothes as vigorously as the old washing machine did." I'm not making this up. He never has anything positive to say and it gets kind of old. I usually just smile and nod or nervous laugh and pray that the slow elevator will go faster.

I noticed that he ALWAYS does his laundry on Friday night. I sometimes do laundry on Friday nights. But whenever I do I ALWAYS see him. So today, our paths met in the laundry room (and the elevator) and I was trying to think of something to say to brighten up what must have been a dismal day for him because today he was complaining about all the water that was on the floor after washing.

Side note: our rent is cheap for this neighborhood, so some stuff is not up to par. I don't really give a damn, but I just keep thinking if you don't like it here, leave. I'm here by chooice to save money and I live in a fabulous neighborhood, so my apartment doesn't have to be all that and a bag of chips. I'm happy to have a semi-functioning elevator and in-building laundry, but I guess everyone doesn't share my sunny outlook.

So in my third or fourth run up and down the elevator to check on my clothes, I pass grandpa in the hallway and get to the laundry room only to find out he's taken my damp clothes out of the dryer. (One dry doesn't usually do it, so I was coming back down to add some more quarters). Besides being furious and totally weirded out that a stranger had touched my personables, I was offended. He sees me at least twice a week and his ass KNEW those were my clothes and he couldn't wait the 60 seconds it took for me to come back down to take the clothes out myself.

I was going to wait in the laundry room and give him a piece of my mind, but it occurred to me that just him being his negative self is consequence enough. I just put my clothes in the other dryer and added more quarters to THAT dryer and I'm still having a happy positive night... while he's not.

P.S. Looks like I've got this positivity thing on lock this year y'all. YAY ME AND YAY GOD!

Event Alert: Step Afrika!


Support the Chicago Women's AIDS Project by seeing a great performance of Step Afrika at the Harris Theater.

Code: CHRP-CWAP will give you a discount on tickets AND 50% of the proceeds from the tickets will go directly to the CWAP!!!

About Step Afrika!
Step Afrika! is the first company in the United States to transform African-American "Stepping" into a theatrical spectacle. Making their Chicago debut as a a part of their 15th Anniversary Season, Step Afrika creates and "ocean of sound" with contemporary Stepping and Hip Hop alongside ancient Zulu dances, South African gumboot dancing and more!

November 19-21, 2009
Tickets Available Now! $15-$55
312-334-7777
http://www.harristheaterchicago.org/

About CWAP
The mission of the Chicago Women's AIDS Project (CWAP) is to address the disparities in health care, prevention and support services for women, youth and communities of color through innovative programs, advocacy and collaboration. CWAP is the only organization in Chicago solely dedicated to providing gender-specific HIV prevention and care services to women at risk.
Direct care services are available at two full-service sites; the original site in the Edgewater area and our south side location in the South Shore community.
P.S. I'm getting a group together to go on Friday or Saturday, so if you want to roll, holla at me.



Thursday, November 12, 2009

Feeling These

I listen to the radio. I know all you cool kids are too grown or too ballin' or too irritated (by the commercials and top 40 songs) to listen to the radio, but I do. I don't have time to steal music and I don't have money to buy music, so I listen to the radio.

I'm feeling these two radio cuts SO TOUGH right now and the videos are HOT, HOT, HOT. What music are you feeling right now? Radio or otherwise.





THIS VIDEO IS NSFW (NOT SAFE FOR WORK)... not really

I loved this song since Kismet put me up on it. AND because you all know I love me, I sing the song like thi: "Boy you gone think, you gone Ti invented sex."



Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Zara: Michigan Avenue

I announced it here 13 months ago, but it finally happened. On October 30th, 2009 Zara Michigan Avenue opened. YAY!

I was in Jersey for work and missed the opening party (10/29) and I've been either too busy or too tired to go after work for about a week. I finally made it there last Thursday. I must admit, I've had stage fright because I love the store so much out of town that I was afraid the Chicago installation wouldn't live up to my expectations. I also read a blog review and saw some Tweets and they weren't favorable, so I sort of just gritted my teeth and dealt with it.

Presentation: The store's presentation was awesome. It looked good from the outside and inside everything was very polished. They have a lot of black, whites and grays going on right now. I don't know if that's how they feel the store should be represented overall or if that's just the colors of the season, but I reallly wish there would have been more color. I remember bright, fun colors at Zara in Spain, Miami and New York. France's Zara was pretty blah on the color palette too.

Price: The prices were reasonable. It's important to note that Zara is NOT a discount store. While the clothes are categorized as trendy, the prices are more Banana Republic and Club Monaco than H&M and Forever 21. The problem is that we're in the middle of a recession and in order for clothes to sell at a full, reasonable price, they need to be off the chain, which brings me to the style...

Style: As I walked into the store I was reminded of how traditional Spain is. In Spain, adults don't wear shorts or jeans or sweats AT ALL. Nannies, Au Pairs and grandmothers wear St. John's suits and sensible leather pumps to the parks while pushing baby strollers. As an undergrad, I wore black or gray slacks most days trying my damndest to fit in and not look so American like my classmates with their ripped jeans, Vans sneakers and Gap t-shirts.

Spainards are people who would balk at the casual nature of Americans with our mommy-fit khaki capris, Juicy Couture velvet jogging suits, Air Force Ones and super casual ballet flats.

It was only after I was reminded of the nature of Spain, that I truly appreciated the offerings at the Zara on Michigan Ave, which had a twist on all the classics (black blazer, LBD, white button-down shirt, pencil skirt, bubble skirt, women's suiting, etc), but also provides some trendy pieces.

Zara is definitely for the working professional. Their casual section was nothing to write home about. The real problem for me is that my job is casual, so i'm not dying to pay full price even for well-fitting, well-made work clothes. AND we're in the middle of a recession, so no one's willing to pay full price for anything. AND I've gotten so used to discount shopping (DSW, Target, H&M, Forever 21, Nordstrom Rack), that I don't even know how much stuff is supposed to cost in the first place because I never pay full price. They definitely have a niche market and for some reason, I just don't fit it anymore.

Lastly, on the style piece, much like Zara in France, I LOVED the shoes. Their shoe game is sick. Sick. Sick. Sick! All the true fashionistas definitely need to start here to get shoe inspiration, then you might want to move somewhere else with more reasonable prices. Booties were reasonable here, but sandals and boots were doing the most on the price tip. I would definitely stalk their sales for shoes.

Fit: Most of the clothes come in S (26) M (28) L (30) and some come in XL (32) and XS (24). Anyone who wears jeans with the waist size knows this is problem. I'm a 29 in the waist, which means I'm a large at Zara. I'ma let you right now, I'm not shopping anywhere that has my small behind categorized as a large.

I also found that the clothes are super tight. Even when I try mediums and larges I struggled to get in and out of the clothes. Now maybe I was bloated, but I'm going to need them to add some spandex, side zippers, something. Also, I know I've seen size runs (2-12) in Zaras in the states, so it's baffling to me that most of them in Chicago would only have S-M-L. Attn: ZARA: AMERICAN WOMEN ARE FAT. Change those sizes to make us feel better about ourselves (and/or to get our money, either way). mmkay. Thanks!

Needless to say I took 10 things into the dressing room with me and not one item fit properly. I was pretty disappointed, but none of the pieces were must-haves either, so I'll be ok.

Service: Last, but not least, let's talk about the customer service. They had only been open 7 days when I went in there, so they do deserve a break, but they need some serious training for the sales associates. Of the 10 or so people I interacted with, I'll say 3 were helpful and knowledgeable. The other 7 were either shy, overwhelmed or uninformed. Everyone was VERY nice, but if I'm in a store where I could POTENTIALLY spend $250 + Chicago tax (highest in the country) on some boots, I'm going to need to get some top-notch customer service.

Now, the biggest customer service problem I had was in the dressing room. I took the maximum 6 things in the room and they held 4 for me. The associate in the dressing room didn't know which 4 were mine and I had to saunter out of the dressing room in socks and an ill-fitting dresss to point them out. Actually, another customer's clothes got taken back on the floor without her trying them on. Unnacceptable. This is a communication problem that's an easy solve. Even Forever 21 knows which clothes are mine and you can get a shirt in there for $2.50...

The other problem was associates not knowing the merchandise, which can probably be attributed to the fact that the store just opened. I can be understanding, but I just need them to be more confident and say "Hey, I'm not sure, but let's find out together." Rather than sort of shrugging and pointing me in what MIGHT be the right direction.

Being the awesome customer and brand advocate that I am, I took the time to talk to the manager about the customer service problems that I encountered. It wouldn't make sense to talk to her about pricing or merchandise because even as a manager there's only so much she can do. She genuinely appreciated my feedback and I'm pretty sure anyone who hasn't been to Zara yet, won't have the same problems I had with the dressing room or shy associates. (See how I help y'all out? LOL!)

Anyway, overall, I give it a C- for now, but I'm not giving up on it and I encourage everyone to stop by and make your own determinations. I sincerely hope it'll be a B by Christmas (or just after). If it goes down from here, I'll be crushed like a kid who overheard a grownup conversation saying the tooth fairy really doesn't exist.

P.S. I really hope I win the new blog layout from kay, because my blogs seem so long in this format. I swear, I'm not saying THAT much.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Match.com Final Stats

I almost had a third date, but dude called to re-schedule on me the day of because he "didn't want me to have to wait for him after I got off work" (I got off 45 minutes before him and it must've been too much pressure for him... LOSER!) I didn't return his scheduling calls. He just didn't seem that into going on a date with me. I won't go into the whole story, but it's like shit or get off the pot. I don't have time for the back and forth.

I'm sad to say this is the end of my Match.com journey (not that the journey itself was ACTUALLY that much fun, but the blog comments and phone calls and texts I've gotten about it have been so entertaining. Thank you all for that.)

In closing, my Match stats are:

28 days on Match.com

My profile was viewed 549 times by 271 people.

17 people winked at me.

I e-mailed back and forth with 9 of the people who winked at me

Out of those nine people I went on 2 dates and had 3 conversations with 1 extremely lame dude that never materialized into a date (see above). He was so weird, I just KNEW he would have given me blog material for a week, but oh well.

So... was it worth it? Sure... I guess. It kept you all entertained for a couple of posts, right? and if I ever want to throw a pity party, the SLIM offerings on Match.com will give me plenty of material to work with, but I had fun... so yes, I guess it was worth it. Next time I have $34.99 to spare though, I'm going to buy a cardigan at H&M.

Also, if I ever get serious about online dating, I'm going to try e-harmony. Let them analyze the hell outta me and give me someone's who actually fits (though I've recently heard horror stories about that site too... womp).

Hope you all enjoyed the series.

P.S. Let me know if you want me to do a Tea's top 10 tips for online dating. If one person wants it, I'll do it, but if no one's interested, no need in writing it out. :)

Monday, November 9, 2009

Match.com Date #2

I'll be happy to report that the second date was MUCH better. We went to lunch (I learned my lesson about giving up a Friday night to someone I don't know). Another great thing about lunch is that is has a start and end time.

The guy was 35, divorced, lives in the city. He worked in finance for a non-profit goverment agency more or less and had a lot to talk about.

And since Match.com seems to be all about firsts (I paid for my first meal on a date last time. Womp.) I'll admit this was my first date with a White guy.

He paid for lunch. The conversation was great. He told me a lot about his job and the housing and banking industry that I didn't know. (I love learning new stuff and I appreciate men who have more formal knowledge than me. Makes me feel safe.)

The only problem is there were no butterflies. Now, we only had an hour, so I'm not sure how many sparks can fly over a salad and a baguette, but I didn't get sparks and anyone who knows me knows I need sparks. He IS attractive. Not my type at all. Not because he's white, but because I just like guys that look like they should be in music videos. Model/athlete types. He just didn't fit that. He's more Matthew Broderick, less Justin Timberlake.

We shall see how this one plays out. Since I'm all of a sudden an open book, I might keep you all posted. ;P

***UPDATE*** He never called after our lunch date. I didn't call him either, but I tend to let men take the reigns, so if he didn't call, I'm assuming he wasn't interested. Sad.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Match Date # 1

The one you've all been waiting for: My first match date

So the first guy I went out on a date with from Match.com seemed cool enough. He was 32, lived on the south side, willing to meet me up north for a date and cute. He had a black & white professional photo as his photo and I didn't think anything of it because there are a lot of aspiring actors and such who have photos like that on Match.

He said he liked live music, but he didn't want to go to the Sprite Green event which was basically a free concert with free food and drinks. You all know I'm loyal to my commitments, so since my date was already planned, I went out with him instead of hanging out with my people at the Sprite event.

This fool was not 32, he was 42. And the worst part about it is that I talked to so many dudes on Match.com that I'd gotten his profile mixed up with someone elses and had convinced myself he was 29. When he sat down across from me, I'm like this is neither the face, nor the body of a 29 year old. He had on a muted yellow polo, jeans and black Nikes. But not Air Force Ones, granddaddy Nikes. You know the kind of shoes you're wearing when you're actually working out.

Anyway, the conversation was dry. He was an angry black man, going on about the broken school system, segregated city of Chicago, etc, etc. He always had to have the last word when we were talking (he's a man, so I gave it to him, but damn). He would repeat stuff I already said like he was telling it to me for the first time.

Fake Example:
T: The American flag is red, white and blue
Old dude: And it's red

Real Example:
T: I have 45 days before my lease it up to let my landlord know if I'm moving or not
Old dude: Legally, it's only 30 days.
T: Oh ok, well when I signed my lease, it said 45 days.
Old dude: Oh ok, well, if you waited 30 days it wouldn't be a problem it's the law.
Thank you old dude, for telling me what I signed. UGH!

He complained about how dirty New York was... but he's never been. **eyeroll** Sidenote: Attn Chicago Men: Step Your travel game up. Thanks, Tea.

**Back to the wackness**

So I'm tired of talking about this wackness already. I'm going to attempt to give an abridged version. We met at Borders. Talked. Walked a bit. Found out he was 42. Was a little scared because I didn't want to end the date abruptly and have him follow me home (if he lied about his age, what else was he lying about). As we walked, he started inquiring about dinner. Didn't want noodles, sushi, red meat or pork. That left Chicken, but he didn't want American fare. Ended up at an Italian spot that he suggested. He complained about the menu. He ordered an appetizer with no drink. I order an entree with a soft drink. He fidgeted when the bill came. Asked the waitress if they took Discover. They didn't. Asked me if I had cash. I did. We split the bill.

Yep, you read that right. Your girl, for the first time EVER on a first date, paid for her own meal.
THIS. WAS. THE. WORST. DATE. OF. MY. ENTIRE. LIFE.

Not ONLY was he a liar, dry, boring and lame, but I spent $34.99 (Match.com fee) + $18 on my food just to have the experience. Oh yeah, you read that correctly too his 42 year old ass couldn't (or wouldn't) cover a $31 food bill.

Let's hope Date #2 is better... (and cheaper.)

Side note: to compound how wack he was at one point he asked why I went natural and when I told him it was just a practical decision, he sort of rolled his eyes and said "Oh. I thought you did it because you wanted to be more natural."

I was thinking "Why the fuck would you think that?" But I composed myself. 2 points for anger management. 0 points for the male gender. (Yes, I'm blaming this date on the whole gender)

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Match.com and (gasp) RACE

The Race Question


I already know for sure I don't want to date anyone who isn't a Christian. Some people can do cross-religional marriages. I just can't. (Side note: Did I just make the word religional up?). Back to the story: I don't, however, know if I'd like to date outside of my race or not. In general, I'm not attracted to every race. Chris Rock said it best. Black women will give a Jude Law looking white guy a chance, but George from friends is not going to get any action from sistas.

Nevermind Chris Rock, I'd like to think that I'm evolved. That I don't think that love only comes in one color, but another part of me is like are you trying to force yourself to date outside of your race by not picking African-American on the ethnicity chart in your preferences?

Then, of course, I ran into some white dudes on Match who seem to be infatuated with sisters. Love is great. Infatuation with one race over another is not.

I also got SO offended when guys were looking for everything but black women. Or when they just had one race of woman (no matter what it was).

I actually told a guy (via Match e-mail) that I couldn't wink back at him because even though he'd winked at me he didn't have Black/African descent checked on what he's looking for and I'm definitely black. (You can call me an asshole if you want to, but WTH I look like dating a guy who literally said he was interested in every race of women except Black women).

Digressing, back to the point. When people only checked one race at first I thought, wow, how close-minded can you be? But I can't judge them. I actually don't think it's wrong. If they were out at a bar/club/church/picnic/Borders/the grocery store, chances are they'd only see the race of people they were looking for, so why should I hold people to any other standards just because it's online.

It's sad though, 'cause there were some Jude Law looking homies on there could've come up on an open-minded sista. *sigh*

Please tune in tomorrow as I give line-by-line details of my first Match.com date. Trust me, it's a must-read.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Match.com: The Men

Just like in real life, there are types of men on Match. Here are some that I came across on Match:

Old[er] Men
You all know I like an older man. A little grey in the beard (good GAWD, that's sexy). Don't get me wrong a Chris Brown look-alike could still get it, but I have a pretty well defined range of who's ok and who's not. My age parameters were displayed PROMINENTLY on my Match.com profile, but guys damn near twice my age were still trying to get up. Um... seriously. If you might show up at my mom's class reunion Iaintgonebeabletodoit!!!

Short Men
There's a lot of short men on Match.com. I know Joe Castro's about to be mad at me, but if I have my pick, I want a tall man. Two of my three brothers (2 by nature, 1 by nurture) are not that tall and one of them is an excellent husband and one is an excellent father. They're both attractive. They have outgoing personalities. They're awesome, BUT, If I get to sit at a computer and pick who I'm going to fall in love with it's not going to be a dude who's 5'6 (Side note: My brothers are not THAT short, just making a point).

I also have some friends who are on j-date and they let me know upfront that if a guy says 5'8, he's barely 5'6. The point is if I marry a short man, it won't be because I met him on Match.com.

Gay Men
Let's just say that there are men on Match.com that claim they are looking for women, but there is no way in hell that's the case.

The Playboys
These fools have headlines like "Ready for Whatever," or usernames like "MagicStick"they either wear sunglasses in the dark on photos or they don't have photos because they're probably married or in serious relationships. They claim that they make a lot of money and are just looking to wine and dine someone... RIGHT...

The Cheesepuffs
"Looking for Love" "Look No Further" "The One and Only" "Could You Be Mrs. Right" GETYOBIG Jodeci "Come & Talk To Me" face the phuck outta here!!! Um... you all know how anti-caking I am in real life. I'll be damned if I start caking on the internets. That's just not me... not really. ;) LOL!

Question of the Day: Did I miss any online dating types? (can be from your experience or what you've heard from friends)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Match.com: Judgment Time

The best part about Match.com is that for a small fee you can judge people on your computer. Seriously, you just sit at your computer and judge people. And you know me I judge just like in real life.

For example:

He can have kids if he's extremely fine.
He can be divorced if he's wildly successful.
If he's average looking, he'd better be ove 5'10
Actually, he'd better be tall period. (Sorry shorter fellas reading)

He's perfect, but DANG he's the wrong religion
He's who I want, but he's only looking for Latinas (or another race of women that I am not)
He's awesome, but lives in New York or VA. (Match.com fail for bringing him up in my search in the first damn place).
He has all the right stats, but can't put a damn sentence together. Dude, did you really graduate from college?
He's 30-something, never been married, no kids, loves the north side, loves to travel... but he's an Iota. DAMN!

He doesn't ever want kids...
He has the perfect job, but he wants someone who's in love with animals (Do I look like the crocodile hunter to you?)
He takes photos of himself with his shirt off and he's not at the beach
He has the camera phone photo in the bathroom. (Really dude? Really?)
Oh snap, I winked at someone that only has a HS education. Damn, how do I go back on this thing? He is fine though...

I could go on and on, but that's how it is. The crazy thing is that you can see who's viewed your profile and they're just as picky. A ton of guys who looked at my profile that I thought should have winked at me or sent me an e-mail, didn't. They must've seen something they didn't like, which is awesome. It's like, hey, don't waste my time if you're not into Christians. Or if you want a girl who's an introvert, you can clearly see from my profile that she's not me.

It's not any different from what we do in real life, but it really puts you in touch with your preferences, biases, likes and dislikes. Seriously... WTH I look like dating, let alone marrying an Iota. C'mon now.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Match.com: The Basics

So your girl tried Match.com. Not to worry, my membership ended long enough ago for you nosey people not to be able to find my profile. The entire experience was absolutely hilarious and I'd totally [read: maybe] do it again.

My next few posts will be dedicated to the experience. (Haven't you all been asking me to do dating entries for the longest?) Anyway, here are some Match.com basics:

Cost - It costs $16.99 per month if you do 6-months. They charge you for all of it upfront instead of month-to-month. If you just want to do one month, it's $34.99.

Winks - Match starts with a 3-day free trial at which point you can wink at people for free (you have to be a paid member to send e-mails). It's just like a facebook poke. It's total flirting and it keeps your feelings in tact instead of having to send a full e-mail and risk someone rejecting you. I love winks, but a lot of people on Match hated them. I figured no harm, no foul...

E-mails - This works just like you Facebook e-mail inbox. You can also have it set up so a notice comes to your personal e-mail account when someone sends you a Match e-mail, but for obvious safety reasons, you won't just e-mail people from your personal account.

Profile - Ah... the profile. The top is a short headline (Think: How you doin'), followed by your basic stats (age, height, hair color, eye color, religion, city, St). There are some canned questions on the left hand side (Where do you work, what do you like to do, etc). Then on the right side there's an open-ended 4000 character description of yourself. All of this has to be approved by Match, so nothing pornographic and no personal info can be distributed.

Profile Pics - Your main pic is just to the left of your basic stats. You can add up to 25 pics. It's a good idea to have pics hanging out in different settings, so people won't think your vampy going to the club look or your suited up going to church/work/a funeral look is how you look every day.

Match is like the Lottery, you gotta play to win and it's like Twitter the more you put into it, the more you get out of it. I'm not going to lie after those first couple of weeks (when my profile stopped being advertised as NEW), the winks and e-mails slowed down and I actually forgot to log-in sometimes because it got a little boring.

So, those are the basics. Hope you're ready for a journey. I have some stories to tell!!!