Real Housewives: Speak on it

***Spoiler Alert***

So what'd you all think of the real housewives Thursday night? All I know is that Essence.com sent this photo to my inbox and I just couldn't understand why they all look like they were going to different events. Maybe Nene, Sheree and Kim could have been going to the same place, but Lisa was way too dressed up and Kandi was way too dressed down. But clearly, that's not the reason for putting up this photo. Shall we discuss what the the hell kind of hair hat is Sheree wearing?

And it's time to do a Tea's top 10/sort of Live Blogging from the Show

10. Dwight - Did he really have on a fur in Atlanta? A mess! Did his fabulousness also have finger waves? LAWD STOP!!!

9. Nene had her girls out during the confessional didn't she, Lord.

8. Independence Party? Excuse my French, but BITCH PLEASE!!!!

7. People in Atlanta wear winter clothes for fun. If you have on knee high boots in Chicago, you wear those bad boys with gloves, a scarf, a parka and in January a ski mask. Punk azz winters.

6. Sheree, didn't you see the Cosby episode with the helicopters? It's not going to go well. A poet too? C'mon family, that's WEAK!

5. I'm so proud of NeNe and Sheree for getting it together, but this show thrives on drama, so I don't expect it to last long. Kim's been fake every since she snapped on NeNe. I don't expect anything adult-like from her.

4. I was so excited that Kim was going to go to school, but then she flaked out on a curling iron. She thinks she doesn't need to know music to sing and then she said I don't need beauty school to learn about hair. She's destined to be somebody's hoe for life.

3. Ooh, Sheree's earrings when she was talking to Anthony in the car were ca-yute.

2. And um... what you ain't gone do... is hang up on me. Period.

1. AND you won't be talking to me like you're crazy when I hired YOU. I'm not a Sheree fan, but you KNOW how I feel about bad customer service. This Anthony character must've been paid by Bravo to act a fool, but he needs to get himself together. He was mad that she cancelled on him and so he didn't provide good customer service. A MESS!!!

Altogether is was GREAT trashy TV!!!

Adding Up Dating Time

How do you all add dating time? From the first date, the first kiss, the first relations, the first family meet-up? I have girlfriends who were not claiming their significant others for real in high school or the beginning of college, but when they're recalling the relationship their math gets all fuzzy and they come up with this erroneous number of years.

Then I have guy friends who are married, who KNOW they were in a relationship with their wife for a long time before the man actually started counting being together. Like how is she telling folks y'all been together for two years longer than you telling folks y'all been together?

In real life though, does it matter? For those of you that are married or in long-term relationships, is it a point of contention? Does your husband/wife/significant other get mad when you mess the months/years up? I guess in the grand scheme of things, it probably doesn't matter, but I'm so good with numbers that it just messes me up.

On another note why is when a guy doesn't want to be serious (yet) he tells you how many dates you've been on. We've only been on three dates and you're trying to lock a brother down. But when that same dude is trying to smash he counts the very first time he saw you as factoring into your decision. But we've been knowing each other for six months. DUDE, the time that you were watching me and I didn't know you DOES NOT COUNT.

Tell 'Em Why You Mad, Son

I'm was in a pissy mood when I wrote this and it was my own fault. You all know I keep things in the drafts for a while, but this day I skipped my morning run and whenever I do that, I'm in a bad mood.

So that day people were asking me dumb questions. Seriously, everyday, people ask me dumb questions, but that day I was bothered. Here's what I would have liked to say

Managee at 9 a.m.: I have a quick question about XYZ. Can I stop by your office
What I said: Sure, anytime.
What I wanted to say: Hell naw, figure that shit out yo-self

Colleague: T, who did you work with to create XYZ
What I said: I created it, passed it on to NAME and NAME passed it on to legal
What I wanted to say: Who did I work with? I worked with my got damn self? And please don't ask me for any help when you do it. It's your project now.

Manager: Can you keep me looped in on this?
What I said: Of course! :)
What I wanted to say: What the fuck else, besides cc-ing you on the e-mail do you want me to do? Did I not CC you already? How would you have known about it if I didn't already tell you. Are you not looped in right now? What I'd like to do is loop your ass right out of my presence. UGH!

Either Way...

**Background**

So, I'm watching the Channel 9 morning news yesterday (WGN) and they have Karrine Steffans on that bad boy doing a satellite interview. Dean Richards played the hell out of her like "well, this isn't an A list interview or anything, but let's see what she has to say." The production team then plays golddigger by Kanye West. I'm LMAO!!!

She gets about a 20-second soundbite and then they proceed to look at her book like it's a playboy spread. I'm disgusted with the news for giving her any air time. The kick is that her books is a "relationship manual."

I think to myself taking relationship advice from Superhead is like taking financial advice from Bernie Madoff. At the end of the day you're ONLY going to get fucked.

Question of the Day: Value

What's more valuable time or energy?

For example would you rather waste time to save energy?

OR

Waste energy to save time?

TattooTuesday's Account

Below find TattooTuesday's account of what I blogged about yesterday. Enjoy!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please don't take the Nigga out my song, let it play on..." Robert Sylvester Kelly

I like T's account of this event. It was good and cute and clean. I will not recount the story of the Spades game, I will recount a tale of niggadom gone bad.

Men have different ways of approaching a situation. The guys that were playing spades with T were guys that I've seen out & about before. I've seen them at the sneaker boutiques and random out and about spots. These guys while loud are very well mannered.The guy that invited them is a guy that I see everywhere. Lightskin dude with glasses who weighs like 140 and stands about 5'5.

Every man raised on the South or West Side has those friends that play ignant when they know they can get away with is. So the first 2 guys arrived looking very pretty boy Kenwood like and once they saw the party was docile filled with women and liquor, they called reinforcements to run through. Kind of like Vikings coming to rape & pillage. So they get there, they loud, they had been smoking and my spidey senses said, I might have to slap a nigga.

These guys did disappoint. They got loud, was being reckless and kept yelling at the Birthday girl, "Play some Gucci." The lightskin brotha was non-threatening but the dark skin dude was irritating me. Maybe because I have a low tolerance for pillaging ass niggas.

As they started getting more & more into the spades game they started getting louder & louder with T. T was playing spades with my boy from Grammar school who stands about 6'3 250. And they was getting a little too brolic for my taste. Then they kept talking about calling other niggas to come to the party. As T, is playing she is showing no regard for these dudes. Cussing them left & right as she should have. Then out of nowhere, T gets up, spills beer and storms away from the table. I thought shit was gonna go real bad, real quick. The dark skin dude, lets just call him Monstarz, was looking pissed. I thought he was gonna pull it, but he didn't.

Finally, we played them in spades and it was all good after that. Me & my boy quit cuz these fuckers were cheating and I didn't have the tolerance to put up with that shit. And I wouldn't have gotten away with cursing at these dudes like that, because I'm not a caramel girl with a lot of exposed leg.

So to end the night the dudes ending up leaving. And were outside the aprty for more than an hour in the car with the dude they called. Random as hell I know.

Why did I want T, to tell this story... because I had never seen her get brolic with a group of dudes before, it showed her true west side colors. I thought she was gonna fold up & submit like a prissy girl but I was wrong. And the story was funny to say the least.

T is a G. Either that or it was the alcohol. I'm going with T is a G.

A friendly game of Spades

I hope you laughed when you read the title because you KNOW there is never a friendly game of spades. A game of Spades is SERIOUS business and fourth of July weekend kicked off with a house party. Complete with birthday cake, liquor and of course, spades.

So I get to the party on CP time and notice the game going and ask the fellas if I could get next. I don't have a partner. Thummyb was with me, but she doesn't really play like that. I'm good, but I don't play often enough to be great. I'm an awesome trash talker though, so if you lose a game, please believe you'll hear about it. And of course, I'm going to point out the fact that you got beat by a woman.

So I'm drinking, taking obligatory shots, then it gets hot in the house, so we roll to the back deck to chill out. Next thing I know TT is saying I got next. It's someone at the table that wants to be my partner and everything. So we're playing best out of three and quickly get whoever's been running the table up. So our next opponents are some guys from around the way that surprisingly no one knows. They're drinking on what smelled like sizzurp and they're real passionate about the game. Truth be told one of the syrup-drinking duo was telling me how to play and helped me win that last game. (I told you, I'm good not great).

So we're playing and these dudes are talking across the table. Basically asking their partners what they have in their hand. I'm like naw, shut that down immediately. This is Tea & Such, so I'll keep it PC, but the expletives coming out of my mouth that night were scaring grown men.

All I know is TT and someone who I'd just beaten in a game of Spades kept saying "Man, she going hard." I wasn't paying them any attention though. I was in the zone, playing the game and making sure these fools werer't trying to play me. So then after the talking across the table, we win a game, then it's their deal. They're looking at cards and giving their partner the best cards. They held one of my books talking about they're waiting for me to renig. Like B. Scott would say Bitch. Boo. Bye. I know how to play, how dare you assume that because I have a female reproductive organ I'm going to renig in a game of spades.

Now, truth be told these dudes were a little scary and we live in Chicago and no one really knew who they were, so in between expletives, I was flirting a little bit. Gotta keep my life safe. So they win the second game by one book. And we get ready to deal. My partner deals and somehow they call it a misdeal so it goes to the next person. The opponent deals. They look at their hand then decide they don't have the right amount of cards and throw their cards on the table. They DID have the right amount of cards, but apparently didn't like what they had in their hand. So now it's my deal since dude couldn't get his ish together. Even tipsy, I'm still good with numbers. So they claim I messed up the count. I didn't, but I was like the only way I'll keep playing is if you let me deal again. They did.

Then the opponent to my left took one of my cards while I was dealing.I stopped dealing the cards and gave him the look of death. He was like "ma, be easy. This is my card, I'm sure of it." At this point I'm furious, but I'm like ok, we'll see. I count my cards and I have 12, which means he did take my card, so it could be yet another re-deal. This would make it the fifth re-deal for the same damn hand of cards. EFF THAT! I dropped the cards on the table and hopped up with my beer in my hand. I hopped up so fast that people thought I had fallen and rushed over to the table to see if I was ok. In the meantime I spilled beer on myself and at least two men.

TT sat down at the table in my spot and the opponents proceeded to cheat again at which point everyone in the room left them at the card table by themselves.I kid you not, these fools started playing Go Fish. (Sizzurp).

Now, what's the point of this story... I have no idea, but TT said I should give my account of what happened, so here it is. He's going to give his account in a guest post tomorrow. Trust me, you don't want to miss it.

Aw Hell Naw Joe

Things are always happening in the Chi that have me thinking aw hell naw joe. (It's a Chicago thing, please don't make me explain it to you).


- People's facebook statuses. I swear, if I have to hear about your relationship drama or lack of relationship or what groceries you picked up at Dominick's I'm going to de-friend you. It's entertaining, yes, but we're too grown out here for this high school nonsense.


- 50 degrees. Yes, I saw 50 on a thermostat in the Chi. Is it not July? I wake up every morning like this is some BULL!!!

BUSY!

This is exactly how I'm feeling right now. But it doesn't matter because it's my mom's birthday, I have a half day today and I'm off tomorrow and I'm going to see John Legend at Ravinia. YEAH BOI!!!

The Classics

***Side note, how is it 7/20 already. Where did the time go in 2009?***

So I'm really getting into the classics. So far I've watched Gone with the Wind, Casablanca, Carmen Jones and Breakfast at Tiffany's. Besides finally being able to understand what the hell Mos Def was talking about on the couch at the radio station in Brown Sugar I really love all of the roles that the women are playing.

Even though the movies are old and the women still play traditional gender roles (Dorothy Dandridge cooking and rubbing Harry Belafonte's feet, Audrey Hepburn dying to be married, etc), all of the leading women STILL stand out as different from the pack, different from the norm, different from the other women in the movie and most importantly, different from the women in that day in age.

When you're watching movies in 2009, it's as if they go out of their way to make the characters seem just like you, like characters you can relate to, like people you know in your real life. But the classics are fantasy and that's part of the reason I enjoy them so much. I'm sure many women fantasized about driving their own cart the way the heroine did in Gone with the Wind or wished they had the free spirit of Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Another thing that I also love about the classics, is the subtlety. For example, it took me to watch the special features to figure out that Audrey Hepburn was a call girl in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Sure, all the clues were there, but I just though she was popular with the fellas. LMAO!

Anyway, what's your favorite classic? Any I should add to my Netflix queue?

We Made It!

Happy EFFING Friday!!! That is all.

Ladies Night

Check out this mix from my boy Rob Rose, also know as DJ Casanova. He gave me a copy and I swiftly added it to my workout playlist. It's a hot little mix that includes only female artists.

Download the mixtape here:

Enjoy!

Weddings and Such

Came across this great article on attending weddings. For the first time in a long time I only had one wedding to go to this year and for the first time in three years I wasn't IN any weddings.

I'll definitely be using this advice in the future though. Who's next?

Question of the Day

This came up on Good Morning America

Would you date someone who was unemployed? Since the recession happened some people are being a bit more lenient with expectations of men, some not so much.

I was originally about to say hell naw, but I guess if you position it correctly (in between opportunties, avidly looking, etc), I'll consider it. My thing is if you're unemployed, then your main priority should be to get employed. And if we're talking about dating seriously, then I need to be the main priority, especially in the beginninng. (Not being selfish, just being honest).

Now if we're already serious and you lose your job, I'll ride out with you.

What do you all think? Is unemployment ok when dating? Is it ok in recession, but not otherwise?

Quote of the Day

"Act Your Wage"
- anonymous

I LOVE THIS! I might have to put it on a post-it note in my wallet.

WHAT?!?!?

That's what some of my girls are I were saying over dinner when we found out a guy broke up with his wife on facebook. He changed his status to single and she got home like WTF is this and he was like oh yeah, we're getting a divorce.

A few words come to mind: Disrespect, Humiliation, Homelessness and Untimely Death. (Clearly the first two refer to the woman in the situation and the second two words refer to the man.

So question of the day is, what other ridiculous personal relationship nonsense have you witnessed (or heard about) on facebook or other social media channels? (be vague... we don't gossip around these parts, lol!)

Did I Really Just Say That?

It just occurred to me that I said some ignorant stuff this weekend. I was partying a lot, drinking a lot, so I actually only remember quotes in spurts.

We were at the House of Blues in Chicago (a Phil & Nate party) and Lance Gross was there. I've partied with him before at the Park in D.C. (that brother apparently knows all the hot spots in every city). So thummyb and I are about to dip because our feet are on 10 and @MrRogers pushes us into the VIP room. We get in there and who's chillin' on the couch, but Lance Gross.

I'm trying to figure out why all the seats in this VIP room are taken. (I know most of the people in the room, but dang). There were about 5 VIP rooms, he could have pushed us into the one with some open seating.

So I say out loud in one ridiculous stream of consciousness "Is that Lance Gross... Yeah, that's him... Well, we can leave because he's engaged... Well, maybe we should stay, I've been on bossip and the shit might not work out."

Yes, I said this out loud in earshot of Lance Gross. He just smiled his beautifully handsome smile back at me and I can only hope the DJ drowned me out. I doubt it though given how you have no sense or sound (or sight) when you're drunk.

A mess. I can't believe I said that.

Quote of the Day

"Life is all about priorities. The problem is, I don't know what mine are."
- anonymous

Quote of the Day

"There wasn't nothing strange about your daddy. It was strange what your daddy had to deal with."

Al Sharpton

You betta preach Al. (You ain't telling the truth or nothing, but it's a powerful thought).

Pick Your Own Aisle

I posted this on facebook yesterday. Curious to hear the viewpoints of Tea & Such readers on the topic.

There's a Progressive Insurance Company advertising campaign highlighting how specific Progressive is to your needs. They illustrate this with a plethora of cute/funny commercials.

My favorite, by far, is the one where the guy - we'll call him, Bob - walks into the Progressive store, which is run by a 1950s-looking waitress - I guess to signify that you can order what you want. Anyway, he walks in and she tells Bob that he has his own aisle. While before this day, Bob never even knew he had an aisle, his eyes lit up at the thought of having this space all his own. She shows him all the functions of the aisle and surprisingly everything he's looking for is right on the shelf.

As so many of my young friends and colleagues are navigating the romantic relationship waters (I just date for the stories, LOL), it occurred to me that this Progressive commercial was like life in SO many ways. A few of my peeps asked me to share this insight via facebook note. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.

On the one hand the aisle can be a metaphor types of women, which are actually not mutually exclusive, but for the positioning of this note, let's assume they are. You have the hoe aisle, the eternal girlfriend aisle and the wife aisle.

Hoe Aisle
This is the most self-explanatory aisle, but I'll add a couple of notes: You can find several men in the hoe aisle at the same time and they'll be talking, the 'net will know, her neighbors will know, facebook and twitter will know and most importantly, as a man you know good and well when you're dealing with a hoe.

Eternal Girlfriend Aisle
There's nothing inherently wrong with this aisle. In a perfect world there would be one man for every one EG aisle. Unfortunately, we live in the real world and now-a-days you might find two or three men in the same EG aisle. The girl could be a cheater (not to be confused with a moral-free hoe, though I see why you'd make the connection) OR the man could be giving her the "We don't need a status" talk or the "I only have understanding with her, but care deeply for you" talk. When he's got kids with both of these women and is bringing both (or all three of these women around the fam).

This is could also be called the I love you, but I love me more commitment without a commitment aisle. (Think Tiny, LaLa, Lauren London, Nivea and Kim Porter). If you like it, I love it. To each her own.

Wife Aisle
This is the aisle that EVERY woman (no matter her true aisle) thinks she's in. Women will give you eighty-three tangible reasons as to why they should be in the marriage aisle (I cook well, I iron, I give good head, I don't argue a lot, I'm the only dime you've ever dated - [when she's a nickel at best], I'm a God-fearing woman, I'm college educated, I can change a tire, etc). Like there aren't stupid women, ugly women, non-domestic women and atheists in the world who are wives. I'm digressing.

The wife aisle is the place where men go to find someone with which to spend the rest of their lives. Unlike the hoe aisle, men don't just wander into this aisle. They purposely navigate here. Unlike the eternal girlfriend aisle, men in this aisle aren't looking to have their cake and eat it too.

Lastly, contrary to popular belief, the wife aisle is not some locale where a group of elite women reside. Women of all shapes, sizes, religions, moral backgrounds and beauty (or lack thereoff) are chillin' in the wife aisle. It's debatable, but I'd argue there are more women in the wife aisle than the hoe aisle and we all know hoes are plentiful.

In my humble [and notoriously single] opinion, the actions a woman takes, the decisions she makes and the amount of honesty she has with herself and others dictates which aisle she's currently in and which aisle she'll ultimately move to (if a move is necessary).

Back to the commercial:

At the end of the commercial, which is 10 seconds away from Bob finding out he has an aisle in the first place, Bob notices another man in his aisle and is immediately livid. "Who is that in my aisle?"

To that I say Touche Bob.

The next time I notice someone inappropriately claiming to live in an aisle that they're no where near, I might have to proclaim "Hoe... stay in your aisle!" LOL!

Everything is funny to Me

You all know I hate doing laundry. It's not the act itself, it's the back and forth up and down the elevators, the people who don't get their clothes on time and the fact that my laundry room has three washers and two dryers. Don't know what genius thught that was a good idea.

So I go down at about 12:30 and there are clothes in the washer and dryer. I go back down about 1:10 and there are two washers open. SCORE! I figure I might as well do two of my three loads in case a dryer opens up. Sure enough, ONE dryer opens while my clothes are still washing. A woman comes in from shopping (I'm assuming her clothes were in the other washer). She asks the other lady in the laundry room if any of the other dryers are open. The lady says yes, there's ONE. So shopping lady goes upstairs I guess to unload her bags and pick up some quarters.

I quickly swoop in and get that one dryer for one of my loads and take all of my delicates upstairs to air dry. The shopping woman comes back down and tries to open the dryer right before I put my quarters in. I say "I'm using that dryer." She replies "You're using that dryer." eyebrows raised and err'thang. I was like yep (in the flat direct way I talk... I don't like having to repeat myself). She looked like she was three years old and I'd taken her Happy Meal toy.

LMAO! Is that funny to anyone else? I was DYING laughing on the inside...

What made her think I was going to wait for her to go upstairs and get herself together before getting a dryer.

I'm about to go read a book in the laundry room though... can't have this broad sabotaging my clothes.

She has no boo-tential

I can't believe I'm telling you all this, but it's too funny not to share. So I lost my phone right before I went to NOLA. No big, I have insurance and I have contacts back-up. While Asurion did a fab job getting a new phone to me in a matter of hours Verizon fucked up phenomenally by not backing up all the numbers I had in there.

Come to find out my numbers haven't backed up since I got the EnV2 phone in November. They can't find the numbers, they can't explain what happened, they can't do anything about it and worst of all, the service is complimentary, so they can't credit my account. BASTARDS!

So anyway, go ahead and add it up. I've been to about 6 or 7 cities since November and I've racked up boo-tentials in every one, not to mention the ho-asis that was the 44th inauguration of the President of the United States. All of those numbers are GONE.

While I'd like to keep most of these dudes in my network, I'm not exactly about to e-mail and/or facebook them to tell them to send me their numbers. That would cause all kinds of "so what have you been up tos" and "when am I going to see yous" or worse it'd be the guy I really didn't vibe with thinking I was trying to make it work, when really I'm just trying to keep my network open. (He might work with one of my girls, who knows.)

Or even worst than that, erasing all those numbers prevents me from recognizing the stalkers who call once a month and inadvertantly answsering their calls. UGH!

So to save face I had to 1) Make a list of lost numbers 2) Try to remember everyone's name and significance and 3) log on to Verizon and look through my phone and text message records and remember who I talked to and when. This took more time than I have available for some dudes I'm not even about to call immediately, but it was necessary.

I guess I agree with 4S and TT now, I date A LOT... hell, too much for all this work. You'll be happy to know I recovered numbers from 8 of a possible 13 boo-tentials. I have question marks next to some of those joints in my phone... could be him, could be somebody else.

I don't know about you, but this whole situation is funny as hell to me. Screw Verizon for messing up my pimp game! Like Kismet said, pimpin' ain't easy, but it's under control.