Sunday, August 2, 2009

Don't Even Know What to Call This

So, I was debating whether or not to post about this because my dating life is super private and really none of anyone's business (not even all the lovely tea & such readers), but I feel like there might be someone who's dealing with the same or similar nonsense, so I feel obligated to speak on it.

About a year ago I met a divorced guy. Went on a couple of dates, started to catch feelings, then he told me he was separated. He was one of many lying men that I've increasingly encountered that inspired this post? SEPARATED IS NOT DIVORCED. I immediately cut things off with him. I didn't want to start a relationship based on lies and I truly believe in the sanctity of marriage, so until the ink is dry on those papers I want no part of it.

Ran into said dude at a bbq of a family friend. It's been well over a year, so I gave him a hug and asked if he'd moved to the Chi permanantly. We did the small talk and he went about his business.

For the sake of story telling let's say this dude's name is Will Smith. I'm standing in line for the bathroom and little kids have been cutting in front of me all night because when children have to go, they have to go. A woman and her son walk up and she says "Will, don't cut the lady." I say, "Do you have to go bad?" He says "Yes." Then I say "Go ahead."

Little Will's making googly eyes at me and when I look back at him he blushes and looks down at his shoes. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree... I say "Will, how old are you?" He gives me the are you a magical fairy look and says "How do you know my name?" I say "I just heard your mom call you Will." Then I turn toward the lady and say "You are his mom right?" The woman sporting both engagement and wedding bands says "Yes, now Will answer the woman." Will tells me he's five.

Now the Will Smith I know had a one-year old that he went to a different state to visit every weekend while he was on an assigment for his job in Chicago...

I go to the washroom, come out and find the Will Smith I know and the married woman together scolding little Will for something or other. Big Will wasn't wearing a wedding ring. I've actually never seen him wear a wedding ring. I catch the eye of big Will Smith and he stops in his tracks. Almost as if he had seen a ghost and I will my eyes to burn through him so deeply that his wife could see the hole in his heart.


This man was neither divorced nor separated and he didn't have a newborn he was tending to every weekend like he told me. His child was approximately 4 years old when I met him. I'm sure he was by all stretches of the imagination "happily married."

It's at this point that I'm sick to my stomach about being a single female in today's morally deficient male-saturated society. It is 30 seconds later that I find myself paralyzed by the fact that while I was able to use my intuition to figure out that his very scent oozed pillage even before I had proof, his wife may have been none the wiser.

**Sidenote: Please always follow your intuition. If you feel that something is wrong, it is. These feelings don't come from nowhere. There is a higher power guiding you. Trust that power even if it means making difficult decisions. You don't want to regret ignoring it.**

So then I was left with the decision as to whether or not I should do my sisterly duty and tell her that her husband was a worthless use of bodily functions, that the words out of the mouth of the father of her child were neither honest, nor trustworthy and that she had pledged to spend the rest of her life to someone who amongst other lacking character traits, lies to God. (assuming their vows were taken in front of God and everyone else in their lives that they love and that loves them.)

I initiallly decided against it. Moreso than not having the energy to ruin someone's life (or end his had I told my jailbait uncles in attendance what had happened), I was afraid that 1) She may already know and I didn't want to add my face to her mental picture of his indiscretion 2) She may blame me and/or think I'm lying 3) perhaps the lying sack of nothingness had turned over a new leaf and we weren't intimate during our brief dating stint, so better to leave well enough alone.

As I went back in forth in my mind as to what I would even say to her if she crossed my path again, I noticed that he'd taken her and the 5-year old home and had the audacity to come back to the bbq. Even worse than that, he felt the need to talk to me. (I told you I gave him the burn look right? You KNOW after that look to not even attempt to breathe the same air I breathe.)

Will Smith: So, you having a good time?
T: Little Will is so cute.
Will Smith: Yeah, you saw a pic of him right?
T: Um Hm.
Will Smith: You know he gets his good looks from his daddy
T: Interesting. I thought he looked just like his mom. *As soon as the words left my mouth I proceed to look in the other direction, so as to say you don't even exist to me right now*
T's Cousin: **Looks directly at Will Smith and laughs hysterically**
**Will Smith departs my presence.**

Later on my cousin shares with me that her baby's daddy is married and she found out 11 weeks before her child's due date. This lying waste of breath, life and flesh sat up at the baby shower of her first born child as the love of her life making googly eyes and taking photos and he had a wife at home.

All of this to say, I am deeply saddened by the state of relationships right now, the lying married men that I've repeatedly encountered, the broken relationships that I've unwillingly become a part of and the overall disrespect of marriage as a union.

I'm pissed that men won't work to do the difficult task of sleeping with the same woman, forsaking all others. I'm pissed that men feel like they have the right to make me #2 without my consent. I'm pissed that the pure ratio of men to women makes mediocre men think they are the Don and makes mediocre AND stellar men think they are exempt from doing what's right. I'm pissed at the amount of mental and emotional work that I'm going to have to do to force myself to believe anything that any man tells me right now (like I don't have enough work to do already). I'm basically just at my wit's end with liars, and ironically, they're so plentiful.

I'll end by saying, I'm discouraged, but my spirit isn't broken. When you're open, you allow good to come to you, but you're just as susceptible to bad. I can't just close myself up. Nope, I refuse to let the misdeeds and moral deficiencies of others make me an angry, bitter, closed woman. Right now, I reallly do not think marriage holds any power, fortunately I do believe in the power of God.

And if it's written, that I'm supposed to have a husband at some point, I wholeheartedly trust that God will provide someone who's relationship with honesty (be it his vows to me or his everyday interactions with other women) is stronger than his willingness to lie in pursuit of a nut.

P.S. I'm disabling comments. If you have something positive to say that you absolutely cannot hold back, e-mail me. Otherwise, I'm not really in the mood to deal with people's opinions on the state of the relationships, the decision I made or their overall philosophies on singlehood, marriage, cheating, religion, whatever. Not tonight.