Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Pick Your Own Aisle

I posted this on facebook yesterday. Curious to hear the viewpoints of Tea & Such readers on the topic.

There's a Progressive Insurance Company advertising campaign highlighting how specific Progressive is to your needs. They illustrate this with a plethora of cute/funny commercials.

My favorite, by far, is the one where the guy - we'll call him, Bob - walks into the Progressive store, which is run by a 1950s-looking waitress - I guess to signify that you can order what you want. Anyway, he walks in and she tells Bob that he has his own aisle. While before this day, Bob never even knew he had an aisle, his eyes lit up at the thought of having this space all his own. She shows him all the functions of the aisle and surprisingly everything he's looking for is right on the shelf.

As so many of my young friends and colleagues are navigating the romantic relationship waters (I just date for the stories, LOL), it occurred to me that this Progressive commercial was like life in SO many ways. A few of my peeps asked me to share this insight via facebook note. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.

On the one hand the aisle can be a metaphor types of women, which are actually not mutually exclusive, but for the positioning of this note, let's assume they are. You have the hoe aisle, the eternal girlfriend aisle and the wife aisle.

Hoe Aisle
This is the most self-explanatory aisle, but I'll add a couple of notes: You can find several men in the hoe aisle at the same time and they'll be talking, the 'net will know, her neighbors will know, facebook and twitter will know and most importantly, as a man you know good and well when you're dealing with a hoe.

Eternal Girlfriend Aisle
There's nothing inherently wrong with this aisle. In a perfect world there would be one man for every one EG aisle. Unfortunately, we live in the real world and now-a-days you might find two or three men in the same EG aisle. The girl could be a cheater (not to be confused with a moral-free hoe, though I see why you'd make the connection) OR the man could be giving her the "We don't need a status" talk or the "I only have understanding with her, but care deeply for you" talk. When he's got kids with both of these women and is bringing both (or all three of these women around the fam).

This is could also be called the I love you, but I love me more commitment without a commitment aisle. (Think Tiny, LaLa, Lauren London, Nivea and Kim Porter). If you like it, I love it. To each her own.

Wife Aisle
This is the aisle that EVERY woman (no matter her true aisle) thinks she's in. Women will give you eighty-three tangible reasons as to why they should be in the marriage aisle (I cook well, I iron, I give good head, I don't argue a lot, I'm the only dime you've ever dated - [when she's a nickel at best], I'm a God-fearing woman, I'm college educated, I can change a tire, etc). Like there aren't stupid women, ugly women, non-domestic women and atheists in the world who are wives. I'm digressing.

The wife aisle is the place where men go to find someone with which to spend the rest of their lives. Unlike the hoe aisle, men don't just wander into this aisle. They purposely navigate here. Unlike the eternal girlfriend aisle, men in this aisle aren't looking to have their cake and eat it too.

Lastly, contrary to popular belief, the wife aisle is not some locale where a group of elite women reside. Women of all shapes, sizes, religions, moral backgrounds and beauty (or lack thereoff) are chillin' in the wife aisle. It's debatable, but I'd argue there are more women in the wife aisle than the hoe aisle and we all know hoes are plentiful.

In my humble [and notoriously single] opinion, the actions a woman takes, the decisions she makes and the amount of honesty she has with herself and others dictates which aisle she's currently in and which aisle she'll ultimately move to (if a move is necessary).

Back to the commercial:

At the end of the commercial, which is 10 seconds away from Bob finding out he has an aisle in the first place, Bob notices another man in his aisle and is immediately livid. "Who is that in my aisle?"

To that I say Touche Bob.

The next time I notice someone inappropriately claiming to live in an aisle that they're no where near, I might have to proclaim "Hoe... stay in your aisle!" LOL!


antithesis said...

lol! you are a MESS! its disturbing to see people out of their aisles but most often, it's just hilarious.

Kismet said...

No way. There's wayyyyyy more aisles than this!

Take your Eternal Girlfriend aisle --is it chicks who believe the hype and stay girlfriends with wack men? is it chicks who are not interested in being anything more? Is it the chicks who are wife potential? Is it serial monogamy chicks? AT least two of those have got to be at least two different aisles.

Then you've got the Sasha Fierce aisle where she just wants to get bodied all the time--that could be the I like to date a lot/meet guys/have sex and am seriously not interested in a committed relationship and yes I have a touch of a player in me and so?

Then you've got the crazy Kung Fu wolf bitch aisle (yall know, yall know)

And why is all this shopping getting done by men? I ain't on nobody's shelf! Give me my aisles!

(and if all this shopping IS being done by dudes, then there's got to be a men loving men aisle....complete with high and (down) low shelves...)

(hmm, along those lines of men being the shoppers, i guess no dude is shopping for a kung fu wolf bitch. guess she just ends up in a bad batch of eternal girlfriend or Sasha Fierece?_

p.s. I can't wait for the Tea classic-funny-i-might-pee-my-pants-laughing elaboration of this post. Please go forth....

T said...

LOL @ Kismet! You're nuts.

I feel like the EG aisle encompasses both voluntarily being in that aisle and making decisions that whether you realize it or not keep you in that aisle (still voluntary decision though). i.e. you're there because he gave you a ring, but still haven't set a date (making a decision that keeps you there) for a wedding OR you're there because you aren't interested in marriage (voluntarily being there). It's the same aisle even if intentions are different.

I discussed your take on the Sasha Fierce aisle on facebook. My girl called it the Happy Single Girl Aisle. I think these girls can reside in either aisle. You can be a Sasha Fierce hoe, a Sasha Fierce main chick (EG) or a Sasha Fierce wife. The truth is though, if you're dating a man, you're not a boss.

And the shopping is getting done by men because that's what our society dictates. (fortunately or unfortunately, depending on who you talk to).

Marriage is a sexist instution and many relationships follow marriage principles (whether in action or in concept)... forsaking all others (I bet not catch you with another...) til death do us part (ride or die chick) under God and these witnesses (claiming your status on facebook). LOL!

now thummyb said on facebook that there should be a friends with benefits aisle, I don't disagree, but I don't know if that aisle stands alone. It could be straddling the hoe and EG aisle...

and yep, there is a men loving men aisle complete with high and down low shelves, but I was talking about hetero relationships because that's where my experience is.

thummyb also mentioned that my calculations might be off because so many men pick off the shelf in the wife aisle while chillin' in the EG and hoe aisle simultaneously. Also an excellent point.