Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Tea's Top 10: Club Cliches

There are a bunch of people who are anti-The Club. Some of them are always at the club though, talking about how much they hate it. Go the hell home then. Sorry, I digress, more on that later.

So you've got anti-The Club folks and what's happened is that they've had SO many bad club experiences, that they've given up on the club (Or maybe just one, whatever). Like my boy would say, I'm no quitter. LOL! But due to my club going tenacity I am sometimes subject to cliche club behavior.

Now we usually pick the classy spots, that avoid this behavior, but every once in a while, it pops up. Here are the top 10 cliche things that happened at the club this Friday (not the classy club we went to Saturday night that inspired yesterday's hilarious quote).

For my new readers, you might want to check these out, just for backgroud.


10. Hoes - Now there are hoes everywhere (and I may share my perspective on the different levels of hoes in another post), but these women were DRESSED like prostitutes. It was maybe 20, 25 degrees outside. They had on short tight dresses with strappy sandals... Miami gear... in the Chi. And not just regular strappy sandals, the I've-been-drinking-so-much-I-don't-know-my-toes-are-hanging-over-the-front-of-my-shoes-like-vienna-sausages-strappy-sandals [all together now: EW!!!]

9. Hood Representatives - You know the dudes that wear their short leathers or short furs or worse: short faux furs in the club. You can tell these dudes JUST left from getting hay in the middle of the barn and they look like trouble. These are the dudes the bouncers call the police and patty wagon for before they even get a chance to act a fool. These dudes are a little too touchy feely, but you're afraid to snap on them 'cause you can't tell if they're strapped or not and the security at the door didn't do anything to stop these fools from coming in, so as a female, you're on your own.

8. Police cars and patty wagons - Yep, right outside the club. Circling the block, stopping only in front of the club that Black folks are standing in front of (and understandably so, given #9 on this list). One cop had jokes though. He opened the door of the patty wagon and said "Does anyone want to go for a ride." Yes, it was wrong, but before you get indignantly upset, he wasn't arrogant of throwing his weight around, he was seriously joking with us. His other cop pals were none to happy about that. And Scott replied "HEY. My President is Black." LMAO!!!

7. Persistent losers:
Loser: "Why won't you take my number? So what you have a boyfriend, if it doesn't work out, you can just give me a call."
My girl (who doesn't have a man, btw): "How would you feel if you were my man and I gave some other dude my number?"
Loser: "I'm saying though, that's why I'm going to give you MY number."

6. Gym Shoes and/or Sketchers - Really, in 2008 as adults over the age of 25, we're still wearing gym shoes and/or Sketchers "dress shoes" to the club? Really, in 2008, you're going to let these fools in the club with this gear on? Really? In fairness, I think some of guys had on gym shoes too, but they were fresh. There are two types of gym shoe wearers. Those that CHOOSE to wear gym shoes and those who try to get around the fact that you can't wear gym shoes to the club. Most of the guys on Friday [excluding our boys] were #2. A mess.

Oh yeah, we don't say "sneakers" in the Chi, just FYI.

5. Hood Chicago Mixes - I'm talking HOLD UP... WAIT A MINUTE... at. the. club. These were hot in like 8th grade and freshman year in high school, but not since then has it been ok to JACK. JACK. JACK. JACK Your Body at the club. And people who aren't from Chicago, don't even understand the nostalgia. They just think we're hood.

4. White skinny bouncers trying to jump hard - This bouncer took money from the fellas in #9, THEN requested they get in a line. These dudes were ri-di-cu-lous. "Ay man, we in line." "Look, you said get in line, we in line, you betta make something happen quick" "It's cold out here, I ain't gone ask you, but one more time to let us in." Needless to say everyone got in and in a semi-orderly fashion.

3. Early dismissal - Did the club lights come on 1:07 a.m. No, you must mean We're not even going to discuss how I didn't get there until 12:30 or so AND I paid to get in (We left our first stop that night to go get some food, before going to this club. LOL!)

2. Fighting in the Club - I can you hear you now, saying T, you START most of the fights at the club. I know, I know, but there's usually somewhere there to hold me back. It rarely materializes into a fight. Just a good story to tell my grandkids (Granny wasn't on that with him, LOL!). But there were grown men fighting in the club. So much so that the DJ stopped the music and was like "TAKE IT OUTSIDE." A mess.

1. Trying too hard - This is from Saturday. Family, I wish I could've taken a photo, but I'll just try to paint a picture. Dude was AT LEAST 6'2, 6'3, so he's already standing out in the crowd.
Khaki pants (I know, a mess already).
Caramel Square Toe Dress Shoes.
Red Sweater.
Pitch Black Sunglasses. (the sun goes down at 4:40 p.m. daily in the Chi)
Multi-Colored Jamaican inspired skull cap. (that he wore all night)
Black leather coat.

I'm putting my hands together in a cheerleading pose right now asking Y?


Reese said...

solid list, i think im gonna do part 2 when i get to work, on my blog of course

antithesis said...


girl, i am over here dying on this post! you are too funny. u need to go on the road w/ this one!

ThummyB said...

LOL! Ur so mean, homie.

You know...we could also do a top ten cliches for the bars...

Hoes would be changed into dummies (i.e. the 'others' dressed equally as scantily clad, but merely b/c they don't know any better).

We would have the 1 black dude in the club looking mad guilty everytime you walk past him and Becky.

There would be the spiked hair dude who looks like he's been in a suntan booth for hours...wearing a muscle shirt and doing some kind of rapid arm movement.

Then we could end w/the random drunk girl who falls/bumps into you while she's either dancing or making her way to the bathroom

K to the... said...

lol I've experienced all 10 of these cliches. Gotta love the Chi-town club scene!

Reese said...

see now if there was a dude in the club with a "becky" as it was put looking guilty then thats on him. i would take anyone anywhere and not be like that.

or were you giving him the "eye" like so many sisters (educated and not) tend to do when they see a black man with a white woman.

why isnt that same look given by a black woman who sees another black woman with a white man???

ive never been one to judge because im colorblind and realize that every woman is pink on the inside but that makes me go hmmmmmm still.

thoughts? responses? witty comebacks?

T said...

Nah, Reese, these brothers be out with a 3W and they are just pre-empting the hate, so they look guilty and/or mad. It's especially noticeable when you looked up at them on mistake. Like it was a lash in your eye and when you get it out they're standing right there.

You're like dude, be easy.

I actually have a post coming up on the Swirl later in the week, so I'll reserve my comments until after then.