Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Tea's Top 10: Bare Midriffs

I've been meaning to do this for a while, but some of the atrocities I saw this weekend at work led me to believe that people really don't know better. So, I'm gonna put it out there, in case folks are unclear, about who should and should not have their stomachs out in public.

Some things to note:

- This is a regular-folks list. I can't tell people who make millions of dollars what to do and not do with their wardrobe. All these rules would go right out of the door for me too, if I had a 7-day a week trainer. But I will say, more than likely these celebrities in question won't have their gut (or perfectly sculpted abs) dangling in my face on a CTA bus.

- I'm not talking bathing suits. See #4 on this post, to figure out how not to look a mess in a bikini.

- Most of these are related to having a baby. No, I'm not hating on mothers and no, I'm not going to change my mind after I have kids. I'm just running around here telling the truth, that's all.

- This list is for women. Living in boystown, I could do one for the fellas, but most guys with bare midriffs, don't really succomb to fashion rules, so why bother.

- After reading this you may think I'm wrong, ridiculous or over-the-top mean, but, honestly what did you think before?

So without further adue, here are Tea's Top 10 reasons YOU should not bare your mid-section in public.

10. You have an outtie.

9. You're 25 or older.

8. You weigh 200 pounds or more.

7. Standing straight up your stomach looks like 2 or more krispy kreme donuts stacked on top of each other.

6. You are an elderly Indian woman. I hope I'm not offending anyone, but this cooks my grits. I know for a fact that Saris are supposed to be modest. There's nothing modest about a 70-year-old-gut hanging over beautiful fabric. With all due respect, please tie your Sari modestly or buy the one that's a shirt and a skirt and stop putting the rest of us through this anguish.

The baby-related section...

5. You have stretch marks due to losing weight, gaining weight and/or having a baby.

4. Your C-section scar is showing.

3. Your stretched tattoo is showing.

2. You have a child at all.

Despite # 2, people will still bare their midriffs. The #1 reason you should not be showing your stomach is:

1. If you've had a baby in the last 6-12 weeks. There's no reason for anyone but your husband to be subject to your post-birth residue. (Yes, I just called after-baby-fat residue.)


Reese Johnson said...

wow, im in stunned agreement, but i know a few over 25s with the tummy out and im MORE than ok with it. thats just the man in me though, if you got it....

antithesis said...

girl u are a mess. and i have to add an amendment to one. not 200 lbs. more like if you weigh more than 160 and you are 5'3"

ThummyB said...

LOL! I 100% co-sign on the piece about the 'outtie' as well as the older Indian ladies.

In general I just want women to learn the art of appearing sexy, attractive, and appealing w/o baring any skin. It is do-able.

Brown Girl Gumbo said...

As always...HILARIOUS!!!!!!!

LOL@ "post birth residue!!!"

I've always thought that bare midriffs were off-limits and usually looked tacky on just about everyone who wasn't on a stage, i.e Britney Spears, Janet Jackson, etc.