Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Tea's Top 10

Side note: I tried really hard not to exercise, but it was tough. I just did 10 minutes of Pilates ab work and that woman on the video is a beast. I feel great though!

Anyway... Today, you all are in for a real treat. I'm going to try to make Tea's Top 10 a new segment on the blog and today's is a hot one. Today we're going to discuss the top 10 reasons you (or someone you know) should not wear booty shorts... you know shorts that cut RIGHT under the booty. This list includes things that I have witnessed since short shorts are back in style. Feel free to forward to anyone who would enjoy the post (HINT).

Also as a disclaimer, if one of these applies to you and you live alone or with a significant other, by all means, make it do what it do IN THE HOUSE! But when you go outside, please don't subject the rest of us to the nonsense I'm about to discuss.

Here we go...

10. Parents: If your 12-year is thicka than a snicka, you can't have her wearing booty shorts. R. Kelly and the like will be sitting around talking about "it wasn't me" or "I thought she was 18." Please... stop the madness and get your baby some loose capris.

9. If you are over a certain age, booty shorts are not the way to go. I have an age in mind, but I don't want to offend anyone, so I'm just saying, do a figurative gut check (well hell, do a literal one too). If you think you're too old for booty shorts, you're probably right.

8. If you have cottage cheese, ricotta cheese, jello or any other food like substance bka cellulite on your thighs, under your behind, around your knees... please let the booty shorts go.

7. If that dark part under your behind is showing when you're standing straight up, BOOTY SHORTS ARE NOT FOR YOU.

6. If you have so many stretchmarks that it looks like you've had a bowel accident on the back of your legs, booty shorts are not the way to go.

5. If you used to be a GD, folk, traveler, new breed, vicelord and/or black stone and your bullet wounds are SHOWING... GET SOME PANTS ALREADY!!! We're glad you've gotten your life together, but booty shorts are for someone else.

4. If you do not agree with what your real size is and are determined to wear booty shorts that ride up in the middle exposing all of the Chi to a place no man has gone before (or somewhere where everybody knows your name... whatever). If your shorts are riding up and looking like panties, you need to get a bigger size OR LEAVE THE BOOTY SHORTS ALONE.

3. If you don't believe in waxing, shaving, threading, plucking or otherwise removing the hair from your private parts and it's hanging out of the shorts like Miranda on the SATC movie (Disgusting!) then you really need to be stoned. LEAVE THE BOOTY SHORTS ON THE RACK!

2. If you sweat profusely and there is generally a ring of sweat around your booty, drawing attention to your booty by wearing booty shorts is probably not the best tactic for deferring attention from your little problem. Use some powder or get some breathable biking gear or something. GEEZ!

And now the # 1 reason you SHOULD NOT WEAR BOOTY SHORTS

If you are 8 and a half months pregnant, walking through Old Navy on State and Washington with a two-piece Baby Phat green velour booty short jogging suit, white regular sized t-shirt and some white Air Force Ones on, WEAR MATERNITY CLOTHES! Booty shorts are NOT for those with child. UGH!

UPDATE: I can't believe I missed forgot these..

11. If you are man. It doesn't matter how flamboyant you are or who you're sleeping with BOOTY SHORTS ARE FOR WOMEN.

12. If your camel toe is showing when you put your booty shorts on, take them off, turn on the stove BURN THOSE BOOTY SHORTS, then get back to life.

8 comments:

Que.P said...

If you have to pull the shorts out your crotch every 5 steps, you should not be wearing booty shorts.

antithesis said...

"ooohhhh that's nasty...."

further, a small child's boxers on a grown woman boarding a bus are NOT booty shorts. they are underwear....go back home and get dressed!

ThummyB said...

I see you've been to the Taste.

T said...

@ thummyb, LMAO. I could have been, but nope, I've seen most of the distastrous nonsense I've described at the Shedd Aquarium... a bunch of people posing as parents.

Reese Johnson said...

well usually when those "parents" just graduated from (insert high school here), they just dont know no damn better.

if you are over 200 pounds and five foot two, you also should not be wearing booty shorts (esp not with tasty on the ass!!!)

browngirlspeak said...

My stomach hurts from laughing so hard...I needed that pick me up to get me through the day! Thank-you!!! Keep blogging!

ThummyB said...

As a tall sistah who is thick on the bottom...I'm just going to go ahead and say that booty shorts (outside of the house) are not for us. It's just too much damn skin to be appropriate.

Brown Girl Gumbo said...

Love it!!! Hilarious!!!

I have seen plenty of folk who need to read this list.

Looking forward to more of your Top 10 lists!!