Thursday, July 17, 2008

Tea's Top 10 - Fashion Trends

Below find the top 10 fashions that I think should

A) be banished from existence


B) require an application to wear

10. Flip-Flops (Ban) - Now flip-flops are both the best and worst thing to happen to feet since pumice stones. They are versatile, cheap and amazing looking. However, they are also responsible for filth and crust on the bottom of feet and mass exposure to plenty of horrible looking feet (thummyb think about dude on the boat on the way to Nassau. EW!) Not only do flip-flops brush every bit of dirt from the concrete onto your feet leaving your heels looking like you've been walking through tar, they also provide zero support for your arches. Worst of all by the end of the summer they begin to disinegrate and you end up with whatever color your flip-flop is on the balls of your feet. Horrible. If they were banned we couldn't wear them, hence keeping the dawgs in MUCH better shape.

9. Platforms (Ban) - Platforms are just ugly. Period. Yes, I own a pair. They're happen to be in style. But they keep going away and coming back. They were fab in the the 70s, 90s, it's not even 2010 and here they are again. I just want someone to ban them, then I wouldn't be compelled to buy ugly (but in style and fab) shoes.

8. Gladiator Sandals (Ban) - Given my hate of the aestetics of feet, you can reasonably understand why I loathe gladiator sandals. They took one ugly thing and dresses it up with another ugly thing. It's absolutely ludicrous. I mean these things click, buckle and strap up the leg and around the feet as if they're adorning something beautiful. Not only do you look like Julius Ceasar, but there's no way to pair this shoe with anything and look nice. Dresses... still ugly. Shorts... still ugly. Pants... ugly as in creeping out of the bottom of your hem... ugly. Bathing suits... hideous. I mean seriously, who watches 300 and goes, you know... let's put that on a runway. Whoever you are STOP IT!

7. Fashion Belts (Apply) - Now I know belts are all the rage, but I believe wide belts were made in partnership with the fashion faux paus association. Where should the darn thing go on your body? On your waist, your hips, just below your breasts, smack dab in the middle of your gut? People will put on a wack outfit and throw a belt on with it and really thing they're doing it big. Then they start being country and matching their belts to their flip-flops to their purse to their fake jewels to their headband and it's like high school fashion is alive or something. I can't WAIT until big belts go out of style, so I can stop trying to figure out if people are pregnant or just constipated.

6. Booty Shorts/Shorts in General (Apply) - Name the only civilized country in the world where adult women wear shorts in public: The United States of America. Shorts are for children. (Tea... don't you wear shorts... yes, but I'm making a point here). If you go to Europe people dress like they have business, whether they do or not. People actually care what they look like. Over here we're all about freedom and rights. "I have the right to look a mess" is what most people are thinking when they take a look in the mirror, then leave the house every morning. Must we exercise all our rights, America? Can we wear some flattering clothes? PUH-LEEZE?

5. Short Puffy Jackets with the fur trimmed sleeves and hood (Apply) (hat tip to thummyb for this one). Is this look ever really ok? I'll let teenagers slide, but for adults, I have one letter for you: Y? If you live in Chicago your butt is inevitably cold all winter long with that mess on. The hood isn't really big enough to cover your head when it snows. Matching the faux fur in your snow boots to the faux fur in your hood is not really ballin'... I could go on and on. Kimora... I beg of you, please have Baby Phat stop manufacturing this nonsense.

4. Bikini Bathing Suits (Apply) - (Tea... don't you wear bikinis. Yes and thanks to Operation Get It Right I had a roll of back fat the last time I wore one too.) My back fat, however, PALED in comparison to the ridiculousness we saw in the Bahamas: 200, 250 and 300 pound women wearing bikinis. Really dude? Is that really ok? I mean, have you NO respect for the eyes of the masses, the stomachs of the people? There are kids on the beach for Christ's sake? I don't want to be familiar with your c-section scar. I don't want to be exposed to that tat you got on your stomach when you were 19 and planned to never have kids. That thing is running amuck all over your belly now. Listen to me. IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE SEXY IN A ONE PIECE. I saw a bunch of ladies do it on the beach. Tyra specializes in it. Take note. You are not losing your sexy or your youth by wearing a one piece. In contrast, you have already lost your figure and now thanks to you wearing a bikini in public I've also lost my lunch.

3. Skinny Jeans (Ban) - These atrocities were ugly in the 80s. They're ugly now. Stuff Black People Hate did a fabulous recap on these. But allow me to add, the absolute worst thing about these jeans is that Essence magazine - via their what to wear in your size which never has any size smaller than an 8 section - has convinced people that anyone can wear anything. ARGH!!!! Skinny Jeans are not for people with cankles. I'm sorry... they're just not. I'm own a pair and I'm never quite happy with the result when I put them on (Yet again... I succombed to fashion trends, just because.), so you can imagine what I think about people 2, 3 and 4 times my size in them. These jeans are horrible on everyone! Just like skinny girls shouldn't be running around in tunics or peasant tops (seriously!) big girls, especially, need to leave skinny jeans alone.

2. Stretch Pants/Leggings (BAN!!!) (Hat tip to Paris) - Mary, Mother of Jesus... WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY did stretchpants and leggings come back into style. I'm sorry, I just can't get with this one. I own ZERO pairs of these bad boys and I think everyone should donate the ones they own to the doo rag foundation. NOT only do these pants look painted on, but most people are working with canvasses that a paint by numbers water color couldn't even do justice. Though, I've seen some people rock the hell out of these, I'd still prefer for them to be banned. This would prevent the cottage cheese hoarding, muffin top having, baseball bat leg sporting women from getting to them and would hence, make the world a better place for all.

1. Low Rise Jeans (Apply) - What loser went to the drawing board like "you know what I think is hot... ass crack. Yes... yes... I think I'll create a pant that no matter how big or small you are when you sit down, your ass crack will show." This fashion design genius must've also thought the muffin top was S-E-X-Y! I mean who wouldn't want to see a bunch of women with their stomachs spilling out of their low rise jeans, then buckled down in the middle with a wide belt. Yes, family, yes I do own low rise jeans. I started buying them when I was too young to think about how unappealing my butt crack may be to anyone who's not in the process of taking my pants off. Now when making a purchase I just focus on jeans that button up without me having to suck it in.

So contribute to the topic folks... What fashion trends would you like to see go away?


antithesis said...

lmao!!!!! i feel you but at the same time am completely guilty. i only like certain shorts (basically bermudas). i did not like leggings, however i fell into the trend because i own a pair. hey, they were $5 and i needed them for my halloween costume. i have a pair of skinny jeans (remember the 80's/90's party i went to?). low-rise is the devil. i have one of those fur baby phat coat things due to a lapse in judgement my junior year and it is going in the trash. im partial to tankinis so you wont see my 170 lb butt in a bikini. i love flip flops in the summer and thats y i have like no arch in my feet. platforms are gross but i do own a pair of espidrilles, i couldnt resist the bargain.

KD said...

This whole list is hilarious, but I was dying at:

"you know what I think is hot... ass crack...."


Que.P said...

Great post T.

I fell victim to the Fashion Belt because I saw one on clearance last fall, but I have yet to wear it. I just can't get with it. Especially after having seen the way some women use it to spilt a "booty-do" into a muffin top combo. Fat on the top, fat on the bottom, and a belt in the middle.

And low-rise jeans should come with instructions. Clearly some women don't know that when you have a pertruding belly (I have a pertruding belly), it is best to wear jeans that come high enough to cover it up.

Brown Girl Gumbo said...

I agree with all of your fashion faux-paus!

I hate platform sandals too even though I own a pair. Although, I do wear them. :-)

kay* said...

lol - this is hilarious!!! i agree with most of them but must admit i am victim of some...i do wear black leggings with flats but usually with a cute summer dress on top or a long tank top...

i would have to say i would like to see white jeans/pants require an application - i mean, seriously, they are hard to pull off. though if you can they look fab!

Paris said...

I have to said those dresses that are baggy at the top and then they pencil off at the bottom (see link below). They are the worst!

And those water clogs with the holes in them.