Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Tea's Top 10: Co-Worker Profiles

10. Your favorite manager (who always quits right after you start to love him/her) - You love this person. He or she understands your work style and let's you thrive in it. This person is a mentor and a coach and always has your back when sitting in circles you're not privy to. This person is usually your manager for three to six months, then they decide they want to go back to school, be a house wife, travel the Amazon or some other thing that's much cooler than working a 9 to 5.

9. The Dummy - No matter how competent this person is with ACTUAL work, they're dumb as a ton a bricks when it comes to everything else. This person will look for tissue in the kitchen and fruit in the bathroom. This person insists on asking anyone who can hear questions that your three year old brother could answer and are oblivious to the dirty looks they get, because, let's face it, they're too dumb for subtlety.

8. The Referral - This person could double as the dummy, but everyone in the office is always confused as to how this person is sitting in the same room with them. While you're trying to figure out how a seven year old can balance a 50 million dollar budget or how anyone could be effective only working on Tuesdays and Fridays from 9 to 10 a.m., they're having coffee with the big whigs, completely skipping the chain of command and inevitably getting you or someone you know in a world of trouble.

7. The Nice Guy - This guy is an enabler to the aforementioned Dummy. He is SO nice. He's a pleasure to work with, knows everyone's name and knows EVERYTHING about the office. The Dummy often stands in the hallway and asks him if there's fruit in the kitchen and the Nice Guy will walk into the kitchen with the Dummy and say, let's have a look shall we (whereas I would've said something like... take your dumb behind in the kitchen and see...)

6. The Party Girl - This person could be at any level, a colleague, a manager, someone you manage, but this chick STAYS at a bar, club or any person's house with a full liquor cabinet seven nights a week. Matter of fact she's just coming to work in between parties. Her hair is often matted together, it's not unusual to smell liquor seeping through her pores at a meeting and more than once you've seen her eating McDonald's fries and drinking Gatorade in her office at 9:30 a.m. She always just barely gets her work done and get her alone and she'll tell you why she doesn't think it's ever unprofessional to make out with bartenders, let alone when we're on a work-sponsored trip.

5. The Off-Color Receptionist - This woman is hilarious. Like the Nice Guy, she knows everything and knows everyone's name, but she's anything but nice. She's just professional enough to not get fired. When big brother's not looking, she'll cuss you out, be mean to the new delivery guy, snap on the people who've made their way to the wrong floor and tell The Dummy, like no one else can, "You know you're a Dummy, right?" She makes inappropriate jokes, tells people not to talk to her while she's on the phone, ignores phone calls coming in, hangs up on people. She basically says everything you want to say, but are afraid to for the fear of getting fired. If you didn't know better, you'd think she was The Silver Spoon, since she's so careless with her job security, but given her need to leave work early to go the Currency Exchange every pay day, you know better.

4. The Workaholic - This loser is upset when you tell him no, you can't meet a 9 p.m. deadline... you get off at 5 p.m. He's mad that the interns eat, let alone take a full hour to do it. He's pissed that other people are enjoying the light of day while he's working on his eight projects he volunteered for. He orders dinner so much at work that the delivery people start bringing him food without him even ordering. He's wifeless, womanless, dateless, hopeless and just a general pain in the backside.

3. Eternal Entry Level Dude - This dude has been working at the job for forever and is still in the same position. HR is too chicken to fire him because technically there's nothing wrong with being mediocre. The intern he recruited at his alma mater is his boss now and he doesn't even seem to care. He's been here FOREVER... there are rules, and he knows them. This dude is not phased by his lack of growth, but just make sure you don't move his red stapler.

2. The Silver Spoon - This dude works for fun. It's evident of the fact when he makes what you make, but lives in a 1 million condo right beneath Oprah. He's determined to pay everytime you all go out. He's always talking about taking a holiday... a sabbatical, he just doesn't know what he wants to do. He basically works on your team, screws everything up and then leaves to go pursue her dream of handpainting skis for Arizona's homeless. He's a total wack job, but fun to be around 'cause He basically doesn't give a... what?

1. MIA - Madam Missing in Action. This chick is always on vacation. The Hamptons, the Poconos, The Bahamas, The French Riviera. Basically everywhere she goes has the word "The" in front of it. She gets non-stop promotions without ever really doing any work. She justs starts the work, then goes on vacation. She could be The Silver Spoon undercover, but it's hard to tell 'cause she's never in the office for more than three days at a time, so it's difficult to build a relationship and extract these finer details from her.

1. The GE - The Gansta Executive. This person is just rude enough that clients and other big whigs don't notice. You've never seen her smile and would be scared if you did. She doesn't book conference rooms. She just goes into them and if you're there when she gets there, you'll need to leave. "Oh sure, I can have my meeting in the bathroom stalls... no problem whatsoever." She follows no protocol, but is the person you're sent to when you break them. She is loved and feared equally and has this to-die for wardrobe. She is singlehandedly responsible for bringing in half of the company's revenue and thus takes everything personally. When you're on her good side you're sitting pretty. If you get on her bad side, you can pretty much guarantee you'll be black-balled in the entire industry. Give or take a few qualities, I'm trying to her her in six, maybe seven years.

I had two #1s, but did I miss any profiles? Let me know...


antithesis said...

i keep learning over and over, in different ways, that the work world is not for me. imma go live in seclusion and feed on nuts and berries because, certainly this sh*t is for the birds (not just referring to your post).

Brown Girl Gumbo said...

LOL!!!!! This is soooooo true!! I LOVE this post!! I have the MIA, Off-Color Receptionist and the Party Girl in my office!

ThummyB said...

You know we love the Off-Color Receptionist.

Let's see...we've also got the Data Geek who can pretty much fix or do anything with a computer, but you're pretty sure they've never had sex.

...The Mother Hen who watches over everyone in the office. She brings in baked goods weekly and has a perpetual supply of cold medicine. She gives advice on all matters of your personal life, yet maintains a healthy dose of censure and judgment.

That's all I've got for now.

Reese Johnson said...

we got a party girl, and def a nice guy but what about the kiss ass?
i am the cat in the office that people are cool enough with but they dont really fuck with me at the same time, i always have someone to go to lunch with but the majority of people dont come just to shoot the shit with me like the nice guy, i have a low bs tolerance so i know i need to get to GE status