Tuesday, July 22, 2008


Today we're going to discuss other people's boyfriends. Other people's boyfriends piss me off.

This is a long one, but worth the read, in my humble opinion.

Background: Families are the foundation of everything. No matter your religion, race, country of origin or even your language, the thing that equalizes all of us is a family. (This is loosely based on my observations working at Chicago's #1 attraction, which attracts people from all over the world daily). Everyone, no matter how dysfunctional, has a family. In order to be alive you HAVE to have mother and a father. Despite the black community's obvious problem with stand-up fathers, biologicallly speaking, at the very base of human life we're all the same.

In American culture in order to procreate, to start a family, you have to start way further back with a *sigh* relationship. We'll speak in perfect terms first... So in perfect terms boy meets girl, girl and boy "fall in love" with each other, girl and boy get married, have unprotected sex, have a baby, love it very much and groom it to follow the same pattern. This is the stuff families are made of and families are the lifeblood of our nation.

Now in real terms girl meets boy, girl stops calling all her girlfriends because said boy is now THEE single most important thing in girl's life and she must spend every waking moment with him. Boy breaks girl's heart (not to mention her hymen, self-confidence, bank account, etc, etc). Girl leans on her girlfriends during this tough time... "Do they still serve chicken at KFC? Yes, of course. You should go... OH you wanna go with me? Well... we haven't gone together in the past two years because there wasn't enough space for me, you AND your boyfriend, but since I'm notoriously and eternally single, sure I'll go with you. I'm here for YOU and don't you forget it."

This pattern continues for years and years (or relationships and relationships) until girl meets a boy who doesn't break her heart and inevitably wants to spend the rest of his life with her. [In case you hadn't noticed the whole life partner thing is the boy's choice. Girls don't get to pick who they want to spend their lives with. They just confirm or deny requests.] Girl then proceeds to ignore her single girlfriends, because they're in different places in life and/or because her husband is now her best friend and thus she's outlived the need for a #1 homegirl. She's also cleared out the mental capacity for girlfriend activity and replaced it with baby factory dreams. ***eye roll***

Now to the topic at hand: As the notoriously single friend who is extremely loyal and just a bit too honest, I'm always leaned on to help pick up the pieces of arguments, break-ups, basically bullshit in its most general AND rarest forms. No girl ever takes into consideration the hurt I may have felt when they dropped me like last year's beat down flip flops in order to entertain the boy in their life. No girl ever considers that in order for her boy to be her best friend, he's got to take the place of the best friend she already has.

And so today, I'm pissed at people's boyfriends not because I miss QT with my boo-ed up girlfriends (though I do), not because every new relationship with a boy is a quiet search to replace a girl (which it is). TODAY I'm pissed because these boyfriends, with their attractive faces, hard bodies and ability to procreate with a woman DO NOT have my girlfriends' best interests at heart. No these pretty muthasuckas are in it to win it... breaking hearts and taking names. They piss me off because any attempt to point out ish that just ain't right, request more QT girl time, or even make three company results in me (and many other well-intentioned women) seem bitter, jealous or lonely. I'm pissed at them because my girls are like family to me and to hurt family is a figurative death wish.

I have to wonder who created this model? Who said "Spend your entire life building same sex relationships, then completely disregard them for opposite sex relationships in order to create a family." Don't most people, by way of friendships already have all the family they need? I could look up the research on nuclear families, but just based on my personal observations, there has to be more to life. There's a reason that 60% of marriages in this country fail. I don't know what it is exactly, but I'd take an educated guess that a large part of the problem is people putting all their time and energy into marriages, resulting in disintegrated friendships and other famial relationships. It's probably not normal, natural, healthy nor God-intended for relationships nor marriage to take that sort of beastly charge over people's lives, but somewhere along the way we've gotten it mixed up.

A married girlfriend told me to remember that being married is just one PART of the sum of things that make her whole. I'm certain she'll be in the 40% that gets it right.


Kismet said...

um...let's discuss how i am woman-centered and have ur back. yeah im having an all-about-me moment all over this post. and WUT NUKKA!

love u and the girls best, siempre.

but i feel u. and ive had this conversation not a month ago with another homegirl.

peep game: http://waiting2speak.blogspot.com/2008/07/feminism-partners-and-relationships.html

TatooTuesday said...

WOW... I might write a blog to respond to this

antithesis said...

that is an excellent post! i think we all are guilty of neglecting our friends when a new boy enters the picture. the problem arises when people dont realize that healthy relationships require separate, enjoyable activities. that is y most of these relationships fail. people stop dividing their time as they normally would. if he is gonna be there for the long-haul, he'll be there when you get back from a nite with the girls.

ThummyB said...

Ummm...family...do we need to have a talk?


Anywho I feel you on the commentary. It's really a tough situation. On the one hand, when you get married you're supposed to leave your mother and father and cleave to one another...forsaking all others, and all that good stuff. So you kinda have to make your partner your #1 person and invest most of your time and energy in them. Obviously you will be spending a lot more time with them and investing a lot more of your future in them than you will w/your best good friend.

On the other hand, that doesn't mean losing yourself in the process. Maintaining your friendships, hobbies, and interests is all a part of remembering who you are with or without hubby. However, I am guessing that this is all easier said than done.

Maybe part of learning how to maintain your independent identity (friendships, et. all) is just a part of growing up. Since we are really just getting out of our early twenties, perhaps our generation is just now getting to the point where we can date someone, love someone, marry someone and not feel the need to be over-the-top, all him all the time, excited about the guy-person. Maybe it takes those heartbreaks to really learn those lessons.

That's that piece...

As a side note...you and I MIGHT be dating one another. I mean we're going to the movies on Sat w/2 married couples, and I'm pretty sure you're going to spend the night at my house afterwards. Are we in a relationship?

Reese Johnson said...


black_sun said...

LMAO @ TB's side note.

Brown Girl Gumbo said...

FANTASTIC post!!!! Love it!!

I see both sides to this story. I was never the girl who neglected my girls for the sake of a man...ok, except for that one time a looooong time ago! LOL

Seriously, I really was never that type to drop all things just because I was in a relationship. I have seen others do it and I'm sure that it's pretty hurtful to the good friend, but in the end, if the girl is a true friend, she'll find the balance.

I know that my husband knows that my best friends and my family are a HUGE part of me and knows that me spending time with them comes w/the territory. Although I bet he was glad i left them all behind in CHI, but that's another story. The point is said girl has to find the balance in order to make sure all of her relationships work.

T said...

Great Commentary err'body.

@ Tattoo Tuesday Make it do what it do (yes, that's a challenge)

@ thummyb, we don't sleep in the same bed anymore, so I guess I'm more like your ex who you kick it with from time to time. LMAO!