Friday, May 9, 2008

T's Thoughts on Infidelity

You all asked for it and you're probably not gonna like it, BUT... here we go.

Infidelity is dishonest, disgusting and arrogant. It takes a lot of nerve to do the EXACT opposite of what you say you're going to do and then lie about it. Depending on the situation, you are sometimes lying profusely to your significant other and even worse you are probably selling a dream to your mistress (or mister, mistor... I don't know the right word, but ol' boy you're cheating with).

Infidelity=cheating. I'm totally against cheating. Also just to be clear cheating is defined [by me] as having sexual relations of any kind with someone other than your committed partner.

I've never cheated on anyone and I'm never going to. Cheating goes against everything I am: honest [sometimes brutally, which is why you all are reading right now because you never know what I'm going to say]. I digresss, I'm honest, trustworthy and the most loyal friend one can ever have. I mean, if I wasn't so pretty, I could be a dog.

That's just me. I bring the same level of commitment to my romantic relationships that I do to my friendships and familial relationships. So the thought of cheating makes me sick to my stomach. [Oh and I'm not even going to touch of the disease piece, that's a whole 'nother post]. If I decide for whatever reason that I MUST engage in relations with someone other than my partner, rather than to defile a committed relationship, I'm just going to end it. There's no need to bring all that emotional baggage into our lives, nor our bedrooms.

Also, if I find out you're cheating, there's going to be a Waiting to Exhale type of moment. I've yet to find out someone was cheating on me during a relationship. I always have little birdies calling, texting or emailing me after the fact. BLEH

Are you confused yet? If you read this post, you may be thinking how T, how can you have such strong feelings about NOT cheating, but insist that if someone cheated on you in a MARRIAGE, you believe the relationship can be mended?

Well, my feelings on marriage, the ultimate commitment, supercede my feelings on everything else. I'm still not going to cheat on my husband, but I realize that everyone may not have the same integrity and commitment to honesty that I have. My goal is that my spouse will despise dishonesty as much as I do, but if I make a bad judgment call, then that's a bridge I'll have to cross when I get there.

Also, I can hear folks thinking right now, "well what person would tell you they like dishonesty?" Context clues people. Can your significant other call-in sick to work at the drop of a dime? Can he lie to his mother with a straight face? Have you been out with her and she made up a story to get you out of trouble without batting an eyelash? Most people know a liar when they see one, but it also extremely difficult to not attract liars when you're a liar yourself.

Do you cheat? Well, guess what... the person you're with could probably smell your cheating pheromones and was thus attracted to you and now we've got two cheaters who swear up and down the other person is more wrong.

Did I really just waste two paragraphs venting about liars... anyway back to the marriage piece, MY commitment to honesty prevents me from getting a divorce just because my spouse broke HIS vows. If I "honestly" commit to someone in a marriage, I commit for life. Nowhere in the vows does it say "til' death do us part, unless you break any of your commitments to me." No family, it says 'til death do us part. (Re-read that. There's a period after "part," which in my mind means final.)

That's why communication before and during a marriage is SO key. Any man who marries me will need to know that I'm not just going to get up and leave because he's acting up. That's not a pass to act a damn fool [ahem, black sun], that's a fundamental belief that if you want to make something work, you can. A belief that people make ALL kinds of mistakes, but that marriage is the ultimate commitment and can overcome any of those mistakes. Again, my goal is to have a spouse that shares my fundamental beliefs in marriage and who is as committed to the commitment as I will be.

One last point. People give sex and sexual relations WAY too much credit. It is just one part of intimacy. Yes, it's a very important physical and emotional experience, but truth be told most times it's like 8-15 minutes of your life. Sure you spend all day thinking about it, and all of the foreplay leading up to it and depending on if you're in a long distance relationship or not, a helluva lot of time talking about it, but it's over-rated. It doesn't even last as long as a sunburn.

So, IF the only thing holding your marriage together is the fact that your spouse has NOT cheated on you, then yeah, you probably need to get a divorce anyway. (I wouldn't, but I'm saying if that's what you want to do...)

So to sum up this post in T's eyes:
Marriage=forever no matter what
Everything else including infidelity=we can and will work it out

Unnecessary side note: Any man who dates me also knows I'm on the no bull-ish tolerance program. Once someone makes it past my zero tolerance program and still wants to get married [clearly, hasn't happened yet], I'm almost certain, they wouldn't want to make their life a living hell by cheating on me. I mean, ask my exes [you know some of 'em] how hell-ish their lives were after the break-up. Would any person really want to deal with that spirit INSIDE of a marriage? I wouldn't.


Brown Girl Gumbo said...

I really admire your honesty! I agree that marriage is sacred, but if someone breaks that sanctity it could be a time to call it quits. I still don't know how I feel 100% about this situation. Hopefully my husband will never stray so I won't have to figure it out.

Have a great weekend!

Que.P said...

Didn't read the entire post, but I'm will you 100% (of that which I read), even from the previous post on "more on marriag". However, my definition of cheating goes a lot deeper than sex. To me, cheating is anything you do that you are not willing to share with your sig-fig, whether it be coffee, lunch, emails, or inappropriate phone conversations. If you go out of your way NOT to tell your sig-fig, then I feel it's cheating.

Ms.Deb said...

I agree with you T...but I will add as que.p stated...cheating in my eyes in defined much more. Cheating starts at a the beg. when the flirting begins, then the late night talks..leading to the in home visits...etc. Then down the road will lead to cheating. Anything that you cannont share with your S/O or having to keep your doings a secret (scared of how the truth can hurt) to me is defined as cheating.

blk_sun said...

A few things:

A) 8-15 minutes of your life? That's ur problem, you must be dating the wrong kind of brothas... Go get a real Jamaican man and experience the benefits of a daily "30 minute work out". LOL.

B) "That's not a pass to act a damn fool..." Yes it ism, your just saying I gotta add a few more steps into my eqution: 1. Cheat 2. Get caught by accident 3. Apologize and act all sincere and remorseful and sh*t 4. Repair relationship w/ wife (counseling, therapy, etc) 5. Repeat from step 1.

C) To the other ladies who have commented, I agree w/ Ti (gasp), its not cheating unless someone's pants come off. Write that down.

ThummyB said...

Hey girl,

I liked this post a lot...esp, the 'cheating pheromones' piece.

Here is my much damage can one person's spirit take before they are permanently scarred? Think about how painful it is to know that your husband has shared an act that you (as a woman) associate with displaying your love, with another person. Now that may be a blow that you can take the 1st time, esp. if he comes clean and wants to work through it. However, when he is repeatedly doing this...the pain of knowing that he is sharing himself w/another woman coupled with the knowledge that he is doing it in spite of the fact that he knows it's hurting you would be almost too much to bear.

I feel you on being in there until the end...but keep in mind that you don't want to sacrifice yourself or your children to honor a vow to someone who isn't worth it. I just wonder if after suffering so much abuse and neglect as a wife and partner if you would still be able to function as a whole woman and mother. Would you be left with enough strength and pride to still excel at work or as a mother? Would your kids be left thinking that this is a normal and healthy way to act within a marriage? These are things to consider.

Do you remember once telling me that if I kept down an unhealthy path it would be jeopardizing my mental state/health? Well this is similar. Stick to the commitment as much as possible, but don't do so to you or your children's detriment.

blk_sun said...

Oh and to address the h*ll you'll put your husband through if he's caught cheating... I figure if the poor bastard can put up w/ your crap up to and through the wedding day, then he can handle it after you're married as well. LOL

Love you T!

T said...

@ bgg and que.p I appreciate your comments, as always. :)

@ blk sun
A) I'm going to have to agree with you here Sir. (Write that down too) Never really been to the islands... (Wait... unless DR counts, in which case I would still have to agree with you. Boy!)

2) This is why I put that "unnecessary sidenote" in the note. Brothers need to know what they're getting into.

(Yes, I just said A and 2)

@ thummyb - Um... I need you to stop feeding my advice back to me. This is about the third time this has happened and damnit if I'm not always right! LMAO!