You all asked for it and you're probably not gonna like it, BUT... here we go.
Infidelity is dishonest, disgusting and arrogant. It takes a lot of nerve to do the EXACT opposite of what you say you're going to do and then lie about it. Depending on the situation, you are sometimes lying profusely to your significant other and even worse you are probably selling a dream to your mistress (or mister, mistor... I don't know the right word, but ol' boy you're cheating with).
Infidelity=cheating. I'm totally against cheating. Also just to be clear cheating is defined [by me] as having sexual relations of any kind with someone other than your committed partner.
I've never cheated on anyone and I'm never going to. Cheating goes against everything I am: honest [sometimes brutally, which is why you all are reading right now because you never know what I'm going to say]. I digresss, I'm honest, trustworthy and the most loyal friend one can ever have. I mean, if I wasn't so pretty, I could be a dog.
That's just me. I bring the same level of commitment to my romantic relationships that I do to my friendships and familial relationships. So the thought of cheating makes me sick to my stomach. [Oh and I'm not even going to touch of the disease piece, that's a whole 'nother post]. If I decide for whatever reason that I MUST engage in relations with someone other than my partner, rather than to defile a committed relationship, I'm just going to end it. There's no need to bring all that emotional baggage into our lives, nor our bedrooms.
Also, if I find out you're cheating, there's going to be a Waiting to Exhale type of moment. I've yet to find out someone was cheating on me during a relationship. I always have little birdies calling, texting or emailing me after the fact. BLEH
Are you confused yet? If you read this post, you may be thinking how T, how can you have such strong feelings about NOT cheating, but insist that if someone cheated on you in a MARRIAGE, you believe the relationship can be mended?
Well, my feelings on marriage, the ultimate commitment, supercede my feelings on everything else. I'm still not going to cheat on my husband, but I realize that everyone may not have the same integrity and commitment to honesty that I have. My goal is that my spouse will despise dishonesty as much as I do, but if I make a bad judgment call, then that's a bridge I'll have to cross when I get there.
Also, I can hear folks thinking right now, "well what person would tell you they like dishonesty?" Context clues people. Can your significant other call-in sick to work at the drop of a dime? Can he lie to his mother with a straight face? Have you been out with her and she made up a story to get you out of trouble without batting an eyelash? Most people know a liar when they see one, but it also extremely difficult to not attract liars when you're a liar yourself.
Do you cheat? Well, guess what... the person you're with could probably smell your cheating pheromones and was thus attracted to you and now we've got two cheaters who swear up and down the other person is more wrong.
Did I really just waste two paragraphs venting about liars... anyway back to the marriage piece, MY commitment to honesty prevents me from getting a divorce just because my spouse broke HIS vows. If I "honestly" commit to someone in a marriage, I commit for life. Nowhere in the vows does it say "til' death do us part, unless you break any of your commitments to me." No family, it says 'til death do us part. (Re-read that. There's a period after "part," which in my mind means final.)
That's why communication before and during a marriage is SO key. Any man who marries me will need to know that I'm not just going to get up and leave because he's acting up. That's not a pass to act a damn fool [ahem, black sun], that's a fundamental belief that if you want to make something work, you can. A belief that people make ALL kinds of mistakes, but that marriage is the ultimate commitment and can overcome any of those mistakes. Again, my goal is to have a spouse that shares my fundamental beliefs in marriage and who is as committed to the commitment as I will be.
One last point. People give sex and sexual relations WAY too much credit. It is just one part of intimacy. Yes, it's a very important physical and emotional experience, but truth be told most times it's like 8-15 minutes of your life. Sure you spend all day thinking about it, and all of the foreplay leading up to it and depending on if you're in a long distance relationship or not, a helluva lot of time talking about it, but it's over-rated. It doesn't even last as long as a sunburn.
So, IF the only thing holding your marriage together is the fact that your spouse has NOT cheated on you, then yeah, you probably need to get a divorce anyway. (I wouldn't, but I'm saying if that's what you want to do...)
So to sum up this post in T's eyes:
Marriage=forever no matter what
Everything else including infidelity=we can and will work it out
Unnecessary side note: Any man who dates me also knows I'm on the no bull-ish tolerance program. Once someone makes it past my zero tolerance program and still wants to get married [clearly, hasn't happened yet], I'm almost certain, they wouldn't want to make their life a living hell by cheating on me. I mean, ask my exes [you know some of 'em] how hell-ish their lives were after the break-up. Would any person really want to deal with that spirit INSIDE of a marriage? I wouldn't.