Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Things that destroy my party-going experience: Part 2

I'm packing for Operation Desert Storm and I've been trying to explain to people that it's NOT a partying trip. No one believes me, but for real, we're going to be maxin' and relaxin'.

So anyway, I figured it was time to come with Part 2 of things that destroy my party-going experience. Here goes...

1.Female b%^%#$ at the front door. Even worse than rude bouncers and door MEN are women who have the look of death on their face at the door. They're tired of men letting all the pretty girls in for free and they were put at the door because the punk azz bouncers couldn't man up and ask for a cover.

Do you really think I want to be greeted by someone who looks like her first, middle and last name is hater? No, not really, I'd actually be less irritated by a Wal-mart greeter at the front door than to deal with that mess.

2. Wack DJs
[I have a feeling I might have to make this its own post, but let's see what I come up with.]

I'm not talking about DJs who aren't playing what you like to hear, because it's possible that he's playing something someone else likes. Nope, I'm talking about DJs who are FEELING themselves too much.

These A-holes are playing JUST 2 seconds of all your JAMZ. I mean they'll cut off the song before the chorus. You can't even get the words "This is MY song" out. They'll play the intro, then play a completely different song and never go back... and to top it all off, they think that they're artists. They think that we came to a concert. We did not.

We came to a club and even though you're trying to "get on" we didn't come to hear you talk on the Mic ALL NIGHT about where you'll be, where you've been, what you do in the morning on the radio, who you are, your mother's maiden name (Timbuktu). Dude, we know WHO you are... and you also happen to be drunk. Shut up and spin.

3. 19 and 20 year olds.
These babies think that because the the bouncer believed they're old enough to be in a club that the rest of us aren't going to notice. Newsflash: we notice. 19 and 20 years olds are the ONLY ones jacking in the club like rabbits who haven't had any in years. They're the only ones who are screaming at the top of their lungs when all the music is off, the lights are on and the club is clearing out. They're the only ones talking about how much they drank and how crunk they're about to get it later... They're the only ones LITERALLY pointing out who'd they'd hit. [True Story} I walked past these fools with a pack of girls and these they're posted up on the wall going "I'd hit her, I'd hit her, Oh she could DEFINITELY get it" Double you tea eff!

Side note: Why do men always have a list of women that could "get it" as if these women would give it to them.

Baffling, but back to the post

4. Mandatory Coat Check
It's FINALLY spring in my city, but when it's cold (which is often in the Chi) I pretty much always check my coat. However, mandatory coat check just means you're going to be in line for a good hour after the party has stopped, messing up your buzz, getting your feet stepped on, being eye-F*@#ed by the obnoxious 20-years olds, And to make matters worse you're being verbally harassed by the DJ, who's still drunk and makes sure you know every address he's ever DJ-ed at, and of course you're STILL getting mean-mugged by the B#$$^%$ from the front door who are now working the coat check, but aren't really doing anything.


antithesis said...

#2 is a pain i know all too well. i mean what kind of crap is that? no one wants to hear you. i wanna hear someone with talent!!!!

Brown Girl Gumbo said...

Funny post!!!

I haven't gone out in Chicago in so long or even here in NY. The last time I did it was not a good experience. A lot of people's coats were stolen from coat check - now isn't that a shame!!!!

Paris said...

Right on to all of those listed! Can we also add to the next list; the tiny a$$ bathroom with like 2 stalls and one sink, and having you print off your confirmation or show your text message.