Saturday, March 29, 2008

Things that destroy my party-going experience: Part 1

I work hard and life can be so serious sometimes. I use the weekend to recoup and refresh, and all the better if a hot DJ and a cold drink (or several) are involved.

Because of my heavy recuperating activities (your girl likes to party), I've noticed a few things that take me from a Zen partying experience to an infuriated raging disgust in 0 to 60. I'm going to start sharing those things with the blogosphere, so folks can vicariously feel my partying pain or chime in when they can relate.

I was going to make this Part 1 of a 2-part series, but seeing as how my recuperating has been extensive to date AND we have the entire spring and summer to party in the Chi, I'm not going to put a limit on the series. For the most part, I'll do a laundry list of things that irk me (yes, I said irk). Other times I'll have so much information on one topic that it will take up the entire post. We'll see what happens... (Enjoy!)

Rude bouncers/door men
- A rude front door experience (coming or going) can be and usually is, by far, the most upsetting part of partying experience.

Some questions to ponder:

1) If the party's free before XYZ time, WHY must you act as if it's SO full inside and have us stand in line for a ridiculous amount of time in order to get us to pay. Standing in the freezing cold waiting to get into a party is not what's hot. Moreover, standing still in any weather in 4-inch heels is also not fun.

In fairness: This hasn't happened to me in a LONG time. I stopped messing with promoters who do that back-handed mess. If I'm going to patronize your establishment, you need to respect my time and money, not try to take advantage of it.

2. Why does the guy at the door act as if he's doing you a favor by letting you in?

3. Is yelling at me before I enter or after I leave the party really making your job any easier? I mean have you found yelling to be a truly effective means of mass communication?

4. Is this kindergarten? Given your superior attitude, I wonder if we should we form a single-file line. Will you wait until it's quiet like Mrs. Washington used to do on the playground?

5. Does saying "If you don't have a coat, please go outside" really work in March in Chicago? I mean, WHO standing in line for coat check DOESN'T have a coat?

6. How much do you really get paid? I mean, you take your job SO SERIOUSLY, you must be getting paid a lot of money to risk your life. (In the Chi, talking to people like you're crazy has resulted in the shooting wounds and/or deaths of many a bouncer. I'm not proud of the statistics of my city, I'm just curious as to what amount of money would force them to put their lives at such risk.)

Side note: I was leaving a concert recently and we walked out of the door and started looking around in a "which way did we park" type manner. The moment, I mean THEE absolute MOMENT we stepped out of the door, the short bouncer was like "PLEASE DON'T STOP HERE! PLEASE MOVE FROM IN FRONT OF THE DOOR!"

One of my girl's co-workers, who I'd just met that night, was with us so I proceeded to act right. But... had I been amongst JUST friends, I would have given him such a thorough piece of my mind that he probably would have quit his job that night.

Back to the list of things that make you go hmmm...

7. Which police academy were you rejected from that you end up at a door near me and get to feel important? Did they throw in an extra bonus for you to be so rude? They MUST'VE.

8. Given the A-hole bonus package you must've received, why do you look so upset to be at work? I mean, this is your job right? You chose to stand outside of [insert bar or club name here] in Chicago where it's cold 9 months out of the year and check purses and or IDs. Why the ugly face? I don't mean-mug you when you drink at home by yourself or at a bar in Melrose Park or Harvey to relax from a taxing weekend of life-risking bouncer duties, Do I? Please return the favor.

9. Do you sleep with your flashlight? I know it's DARK in the club and you NEED your flashlight to escort NFL bench warmers to their private booth(s), but you seem so attached to your weapon... er... um... flashlight. I swear, I saw one of you checking out my shoes with your flashlight last night. My shoes, though fly, did not pose an eminent threat to anyone's safety.

This post just prompted me to be philanthropic. I'm going to start the "give a bouncer a free teddy bear or blanky, so he doesn't have to sleep with his flashlight anymore" foundation.

And if you're offended by this post, you're more than likely guilty of being an A-hole bouncer. I'd suggest you stop reading this blog (to keep your ego in tact) and curl up with a new flashlight.

Wow, I can't believe rude bouncers took up the whole post.

Shout out to all the respectable nice personable bouncers that do exist. I appreciate you and wish there were more of your kind. Muah!


ThummyB said...

You know my co-worker and I were just talking about this. He said that the bouncer at Funky Buddha refused to let his group in (nice mix of men and women) b/c one person had on jeans. Right after the got out of line, the bouncer let in 2 guys wearing jeans. When he called the bouncer on this, then he said "Well that's b/c they aren't un-important'. GIRL, I might like to have lost my mind if someone said that to me. It would have been like the sister in 'Knocked Up' when she snapped out on the bouncer and embarrassed herself.

Reese Johnson said...

LMAO this list was great, and i am not that biased when it comes to partyin in chicago....;)