Friday, February 5, 2016

Big Belly Tragedies/Funnies

So many funny stories while I'm pregnant. My bff will tell you that I've BEEN absentminded and this is not "pregnancy brain." As the only adult I've ever lived with who's not family, she's seen me come back in the house two and three times for different things that I forgot. She doesn't understand it at all.

With two babies on the way, it's grossly exacerbated.Have we discussed how I have to pay for tuition for two people at the same damn time. I have a lot on my noggin right now.

Anywho, here are some pregnancy funnies/tragedies. Some are physical and others are due to my mind being FAR, FAR AWAY.
  • When you're pregnant your center of balance is off. This is especially funny/tragic during a late night bathroom break. I definitely MEANT to put my vagina on the side of the toilet instead of the middle.Yeah, yeah, that's what I meant to do. O_O 
  • On the phone with my building's manages office: *belches loudly, but with my mouth closed, so I say excuse me, but I didn't think he actually heard it* Receptionist says: "You had a good lunch today, huh?" I'm like "I'm pregnant. It happens."
  • One day I tried to get on the train without using my MTA card. It was during rush hour. I cursed at myself. People were looking at me like "just swipe your card again" not knowing I didn't even have my card out to swipe in the FIRST place. 
  • Monday, I stayed at the doctor's office for two hours to get a new prescription (90-day vs. month by month) because I have new insurance. Last night I downloaded a prescription refill form. Today I printed it out at work, filled it out, dropped it in the mailbox... The ACTUAL prescription is still in my purse. #DOH! 
  • One day I was working from home. I was so excited about making a salad topped with boneless skinless chicken breasts. I cut up all the veggies, made a homemade dressing, tossed that salad... and left the chicken in the oven. Ooh wee, I'm absentminded while I'm pregnant.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

That One Glove Life

Right now (at the time of writing this) I only have one glove. I lost a glove. It's finally cold in New York and I have one glove.

I know you're asking: Why don't you just buy new gloves.

1. I don't want cheap Walgreens gloves. They don't really do anything.
2. Anywhere else I would buy gloves from is too far from home or work for me to walk and I just want to go to work and go home. My hips hurt. I'm pregnant and miserable.
3. As much online shopping as I do, I ALWAYS forget about gloves. I finally broke down and bought a satin-lined croqueted hat that I LOVE, but can't remember to get gloves.
4. I feel like buying gloves online would be a sendoff. They're going to be too big or too small and I don't feel like searching for gloves online.

So here I am in the middle of winter. I put on one glove to hold the railing to go up and down the stairs. I must look like an eighties baby gone wrong (you remember folks used to wear one earring, LOL!)

UPDATE: Since drafting this post, I broke down and bought some Walgreens gloves. They're not THAT bad, but the top of my wrists are still pretty cold. Damn shame. 

I have so many weird problems thanks to being pregnant.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Dream Session: NFL Draft

This is one of the best ones yet!

I had a dream that I was the first woman drafted into the NFL. And I was on my media circuit HARD. Doing all the magazines, all the talk shows and in pre-season. And because I'm a woman, they weren't asking me real question about the game, they were asking me stupid stuff like how I manage football and family life. And what I plan to wear to practice. And what I think of my teammates. And more about my wardrobe for games (will I wear dresses, pants, etc.)?

Then I had an interview with one true journalist and he was like "I'm really sorry to ask you this, but have you ever PLAYED football." And I was like "what? I have to play."

Fast forward to me being on the field with a bunch of ACTUAL NFL players (and I kid you not my position was linebacker) and I was thinking, if I can just get through this play alive, my check is guaranteed and life will be so much easier for the twins if I don't have to worry about money.

Then when I saw them rushing towards me and I didn't know any of the plays, I shook myself out of my sleep. Then I chuckled. A woman playing in the NFL. That'll be the day.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

It happened.

I got the dark neck. Thank you pregnancy. Thank you very much.

Monday, February 1, 2016

Top 10 Shows I've Recently Watched

Since I'm pregnant and leaving the house exhausts me, I've been watching a lot of TV and movies later. Here are some of the shows, I've gotten into: In random order.
  1. Blackish
  2. Mindy Project
  3. Casual
  4. Making a Murderer
  5. Narcos
  6. RHOA - Season 6
  7. Black Ink Chicago
  8. Luther
  9. Superstore (Ohmigod, this show is HILARIOUS! I haven't laughed like this at network TV in a long time) 
  10. Downton Abbey (clearly I was into this before, but I need to publish this post and I'm tired of looking for new shows, so this is it?) 

Here are some, I can't quite make myself like.

Master of None - I watched this an eh.
Love & Hip Hop New York - I think it's because I live in New York now and don't want to see the relationship drama of my neighbors. Atlanta relationship drama on #RHOA is so far removed. LOL! 

What Netflix shows or movies have you gotten into lately? Any new for list? 

Friday, January 29, 2016

Twin Activities

When you're having two girls, there are so many activities to think about.

- African Dance
- Tap
- Martial Arts
- Double Dutch
- Swimming
- Soccer
- Kickboxing 

And when I say "activities to think about," I mean activities going on in my belly RIGHT NOW. LAWD, these babies are ACTIVE!

My WebMD app tells me babies at this stage sleep 80% of the time. These have to be lies.These children move nonstop. Or perhaps they do Kung Fu in their sleep.

They went from Boy-Yoy-Yoing, to feeling like constant chocolate milk bubbling in my stomach to feeling like weighted marbles in Jello that hasn't coagulated. And Baby A conducts her tap dancing on my bladder.

The girls moving is just a normal feeling now. I actually feel weird if they're not moving. I think this is the one thing I will miss about pregnancy, having them move around inside of me.

The good news is that they're already enjoying themselves in small spaces, so they should be perfectly comfortable in my New York apartment.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Medium-Sized Agency Problems

I thought that moving to Pittsburgh and working at a medium-sized agency had humbled me a bit. And it did, but not quite enough.

I need an admin.

I swear, every time I get a promotion the level at which one gets an admins changes. I actually had an admin before. I believe the year 2008. The economic recession had just started and my company seemingly had not been affected. I was a senior account executive, mogs were still getting bonuses, we could take car service home from work and I mailed NO PACKAGES!

Fast forward, eight years later and every time I have to schedule a meeting or print my own copies, a small fluffy grey kitten dies.

I swear I am not being used to my full potential working under these conditions.

What's worse, it when I finally hit "true executive" level, I'm likely going to have to share my admin with all the other admins, making him or her still pointless as I join the "we made it" ranks.

I wonder if my company would let me find my own college student to just sit here 2-3 hours a day and do admin duties. What? I'd teach them some PR stuff and I swear I would write them a stellar recommendation.

What's your biggest work gripe right now?

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Not Paying The 5: Amazon Prime

I put up a status on Facebook asking people if they liked Amazon Prime and if all of the benefits outweighed the costs. There was a resounding yes, go ahead and pay the $99.

I can't do it. Here's why.

Free 2-day shipping - I'm actually not that impatient. The bonus in this word is free and if you shop online a lot you know most online shipping is free. If I REALLY need something in two days, I can go to CVS for it.

Amazon TV (or whatever it's called) - I already have Hulu and Netflix and while they fail me sometimes (Netflix streaming doesn't have Home Alone, Cinderella, Love Jones... the classics), I'm not ready to commit to another entertainment source.

Cost/Benefit Analysis - I added up all that I spent on shipping in 2015 (and I bought a GANG of stuff from Amazon). It didn't add up to $99.

They're trying to get me - I used to work in retail. And they would say you want people to get the credit card because those people shop here more AND spend more when they come in. It's science folks. If I had Amazon Prime, I'd be on there buying things I DO NOT NEED just because the shipping is fast and free.

The grocery service - The real issue with this is it's only for dry goods. I'd still have to use another service for fresh foods (I think). Even though Peapod is pretty weak in NYC, when I supplement their dry goods with Fresh Direct's produce, I'm golden. I just wait for free shipping days and/or sales from both of them and I'm good to go. Sometimes it's more of a hassle to switch companies than to try something new. And the fact that I have to pay for it to "Try it" really messes me up.

There's one last benefit, that I'm trying to figure out the value of: Amazon Mom. If you're Prime, I think you're automatically included in Amazon mom and that gives discounts on diapers and formula and the same free, 2-day shipping. Not sure if the discounts will actually add up to $99 a year though, so I'm skeptical.

I think I'm just going to wait to see what kind of gifts and gift card action I get from my baby showers and if an Amazon gift card is on there AND I don't need ANYTHING else (LOL!), then maybe I'll buy prime.

Otherwise, I can't pay the 5 right now.

Do you have Amazon Prime or any other membership programs. Is it worth it to you?

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Every Day Is Like Christmas!

Since sometime in December, every day has felt like Christmas at my apartment. Here's why:

1. People have sent me Christmas or Happy New Year Cards, which are my FAVORITE things. I leave them up in my house all year long. Especially after moving away from Chicago. It reminds me of all the people who love me even if I can't be near them all the time.

2. I don't have the energy to shop anymore, so I shop online and there's always a random box here with stuff that I forgot I ordered. A bunch of times it comes in different boxes, which is disappointing when I actually open it, but fun to get random boxes on my door already.

3. My baby registry is live and we've asked everyone to ship all of my gifts to NYC. I can barely carry my purse without being uncomfortable, let alone the idea of trying to transport baby gear across the country. The first gift I got was from someone who had Amazon prime and it caught me off guard. I send the registry, two days later there are unexpected diapers at my door. Complete water works.

So now in addition to Hulu, Netflix and deep couch sitting, I'm exciting every day to go home to little tokens of love in my mailbox or at my front door. (This was clearly written before neighbor-theft-gate, but it was in the drafts, so I'm not erasing it.)

What are you excited about at the end of each day?

Monday, January 25, 2016

Dream Sessions: New Business

Sorry if these dream posts are boring. This is more of a pregnancy archive for me than an entertainment piece for the masses. I'm trying to intermingle them with other posts to break up the monotony.

On to the dream at hand.

I was dressed for work and VERY pregnant. I came up to what looked like a large theater hall, but it was a church. I realized it was the church I grew up in. In real life, I haven't been to that church since I've been pregnant because I'd rather not deal with the "are you getting married soon" questions. In my dream, I was happy to be there, but leary of some people.

I got there during Sunday School or the start of service and it was like a big deal that I was walking the hallway after something had already started. Though I knew I was at my old church, it looked nothing like it. It was very ornate, red curtains everywhere and lots of gold candles adorned the foyer. It actually looked like an opera house.

So I see the Pastor, he hugs me, then looks at me with disdain (because I'm an unwed mother) and tries to usher me in front of others and I run out of there. But not out of the church, just into a room in the church that was meant for classes vs. the sanctuary.

Get into that room and it's a new business pitch for work. I have a team of eight people and I'm leading the pitch AND doing all the talking. All of the materials are there and the client is a round white guy who looks like a polished version of Steven Avery (too much Netflix before bed, I see). He's sitting on a bar stool and the room is tiny, so my team is sitting up against the wall.

So then two or three of the women on my team start having a full on conversation, while I'm in the middle of the pitch. I stop, scold then, then get back to the pitch. Then I zone out. I think I fell asleep in the pitch. I wake up and I'm on the last slide of the deck and his binder (he has a three-ring binder handout).

I say, well, despite the unprofessionalism here, I assure you that we can prove to you that we're right for the job. And he's like: you didn't even get through the first module. (Which confirms to me that I didn't just zone out, I actually fell asleep in the pitch).

And he's like get out, you just wasted an hour of my time and I never want to hear from your company again.

I just left the room thinking about how I could salvage the relationship and my job because my manager was going to fire me.

I shook myself out of my sleep from that dream. I hate dreams like that where I'm thinking about work and work things and having work-like anxiety at a time when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

Do you ever dream about work? It is nightmarish for you too?

Friday, January 22, 2016

Catching Some Zzzzs

After getting no sleep earlier in the week, I was able to sleep like a baby the following night. I slept all the way through the night, getting up to go the bathroom four time, but was able to go RIGHT back to sleep afterwards.

Then following that, I wake up at about 4 a.m., get back to sleep at about 5 a.m., then get up for work at 7 a.m. if I'm going into the office or 8 a.m. if I'm working from home.

In addition to what I wrote a couple of days ago, here are a few more tricks that are working:

1. NOT getting on social media in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. Same reason as shutting it off when I get home from work.
2. Getting up when I can't sleep. This is the hardest for me because I believe that my body needs rest whether I'm sleeping or just lying down, but the internet (and some friends) say get up, do something and go back to bed. The trick is not to get up and stay up until you feel sleepy again. I usually just say a prayer, pay a bill, write or a blog or research something I'd been meaning to research, then go back to sleep.

I'm so happy that not getting ANY sleep isn't my life for now. And after that sleepless night, I now appreciate being able to sleep at all, even if I wake up for 1-3 hours in the middle of the night.

I have to take my wins where I can get them.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Dream Sessions: Montana on My Mind

I follow visit Montana on Twitter and this place called K Bar L ranch, which is like a getaway for the uber rich. I have the goal of going to all 50 states, so it makes sense that I follow the places that I want to visit in the future, what doesn't make sense is why I have a dream about this one state SO MUCH. Oh, what I would do to talk to Joseph from the Bible, so he could tell me what my dreams mean.

On to the crazy dream at hand.

I had a dream I was at work and handling the hell out of something. Hopped on a plane, ended up at a dope bed and breakfast in Montana where my other colleagues and clients were supposed to meet me. I get there and everyone is sleep. I'm in PR girl business gear and feeling good and I keep opening doors and folks are knocked out sleep or in their pajamas and just overall mad at me for being there.

A manager, an older white woman, comes out and is like "What are you doing here." And I'm like, it's on the schedule. I just flew in from NYC, it's time to work.

Then my homegirl, who works in another PR job and represents lots of NBA players, rolled in with a gang of them and she didn't even speak to me. She like head nodded me and I think that was my cue that she needed to appear professional (Because pros apparently don't have friends or give hugs or even handshakes).

And even though I was mad I was still happy for her because her career is taking off and she looked like she was on top of her game with the NBA players. *pun intended*

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Shipping And Such

Here's what I learned about shipping today:


- The email form does not work
- Someone does pick up swiftly at 1-800-ASK-USPS
- You can make a request that you get a signature OR hold your mail if you are not home

- Their chat feature works.
- However, you need to request to speak to a person WITHIN the chat box, otherwise, they'll just keep sending you FAQs
- The sender of your package has to request a signature in order for there to be a signature required.

- I signed up for a My Choice UPS account
- That only gives me an option to check a box if I DO NOT want signature. Not the other way around.
- They answer the phone pretty quickly 1-800-742-5877
- It costs extra to have a signature required, so you have to ask your shipper to request signature
- The account is helpful because it sends email notifications to let you know when a package is on the way. At least I'll have a head's up. 

- They do not require signature on items that are $1,400 or less
- The first rep I talked to told me her would mark my account as "signature required" and send me a email confirmation. When I didn't get one, I asked the second rep. She said the best thing to do is in Address Line 2 write *signature required upon delivery*

With all of these stops in place, hopefully I'll get ALL of my packages now.

It's really fun being 25 weeks pregnant with twins, barely able to walk to the bathroom, miles away from my family and support system, not having a car, dealing with people who don't give a fuck about me on the streets and the trains. And now to add to my fun-filled life, I get to go to the post office several times a week to transport packages on foot because I have at least one neighbor who is a thief. This is the most fun I've ever had in life.  


Someone stole a package from in front of my door. What's worse is that I'm working from home today and I left out for 2 hours to go to an appointment... that must've been when it was delivered.

I know it's New York, but I live in a double gated building and I'm never had this issue before. The building must not have the issue because they allow USPS, UPS and FedEx to come onto the floors and leave stuff for people. I know it's not just me.

Amazon has been amazing. They just shipped me a new item, but that's not the point.

I'm pretty much done with New York. Between the people on the MTA not giving a fuck about anyone but themselves. *screams* I'M SIX MONTHS PREGNANT WITH TWINS and folks just thinking that they deserve what you worked for because it's easy to take. How about if you didn't buy it, don't touch it.

I can't wait to move to the Chicago suburbs. I might move to Palatine or some shit, I'm so mad. Clearly that move still isn't happening for some time, but New York is not home. I can't raise kids like this.

Trying to think if I should get a P.O. Box for the rest of my deliveries.

UPDATE: Apparently this was delivered to my door eight days ago, so the raggedy thief has had my box with my name on it in their apartment for a week and the maintenance man just brought it to me today. Now I'm about to be looking at all of my neighbors like Satan trying to figure out who took my stuff.

I feel very safe as a single pregnant woman right now. 

35 weeks pregnant: how to put on socks.

When I was 8 weeks pregnant my uterus was the size of a woman who was 20 weeks pregnant. Now that the babies are bigger, they no longer measure my uterus and now measure the size of the babies and they're right on track.But I'm assuming that at 23 weeks pregnant (how far along I was on the day I wrote this post) I am the SIZE of a woman who is 35 weeks pregnant.

There are some real issues between me and gravity right now, especially as it relates to anything happening below my needs.

I bought some spray lotion for the bottom of my legs and feet since I can't bend over to actually put lotion on... 

If something falls on the ground, I just leave it there...

I asked IT to give me a second cord for my laptop because I can't bend down to plug up the one that used to travel with me from work to home...

I only load the top tray of the dishwasher...

I have a bunch of issues.

BUT I have mastered one task and want to share some tips on it with you. Here are three simple ways to put on socks when you're the size of a woman who's 35 weeks pregnant:

1. Don't.
2. Make your partner put them on.
3. Move to a city where it's warm year round and you don't have to wear socks.